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A Master of the Tenth Order, Chapter 2 By ThePhallocrat - thephallocrat@gmail.com
By the summer of his sixteenth year, Claudio still had not begun his initiation in the sexual rites, but that is not to say nothing had changed -- far from it. Catching sight of himself one day in the glass, the young magicker froze and stared in shock. Though he was still awkward and gangly, in the prime of his growing years, the person looking back at him from the glass was clearly no longer a boy and might soon even be called a man. The sight filled him with joy and despair in equal measures.
He had applied himself to his studies with great determination despite his fear of the higher mysteries, or perhaps indeed precisely because of it. In that same summer, he achieved the Fifth Order, a key milestone in the education of any magicker. He had now graduated from the ranks of acolytes and was seen more like a lesser brother of the Commune, along with certain privileges and honors. One such was new accommodations. No longer would he sleep in a small bunk in a room full of other young students, but would instead have a larger room shared with only one other. The ability to study in bed in relative peace and quiet was a luxury Claudio had much been looking forward to. Life in the Commune was by its nature communal, as one would expect from its name, and though Claudio loved his magicker family and would find life outside the Commune walls isolating and lonely, he was still an introvert by nature. A place of quiet refuge within the busy Magicker's Commune sounded absolutely sacred to him.
Johan had achieved the Fifth Order and moved out of the acolyte hall a few months prior. After some negotiations, they were able to effect a residency swap so that they could share a room together. Their friendship had not, as Claudio might once have feared, changed in the slightest since the other young man had begun his training in sex magick. Johan never spoke of those lessons and Claudio didn't ask. Other than that unspoken agreement between them, their time together was much like before. There were few boys his age that Claudio felt at total ease around, and among these Johan felt most like a brother and an equal. Perhaps it was because they'd first become friends at such a young age, in the nursery before either of them had studied a word of magick. There had never been a time when Johan wasn't near at hand, so his presence was a constant comfort. They took to sharing quarters quite naturally, and the relative privacy meant their conversations on magick, on the world, on the other students and the teachers, on their dreams for their future, took on a new depth and intensity, in turn leaning to a new intimacy and deeper feelings of companionship.
But Johan had been changing as well, Claudio could not help but notice. When he changed clothes in their quarters, Claudio could see his friend had grown hairier and more muscular. They were almost exactly alike in age, but Johan seemed much older and more mature. At those moments, seeing his friend's nakedness, Claudio found he could not help but wonder what sexual magicks Johan had mastered, which fellow acolytes or teachers he'd paired with. The thought made him slightly sick in a way he couldn't really understand and didn't want to dwell on. Sex generally made him feel that way, though it was perhaps less intense of a dread than it had been several years prior. These days he tried his best to ignore it and focus on his training, trusting that Instructor Benedict would be correct and he would know when it was time to turn his attention to such things.
But this did not mean Claudio's life was devoid of any sexual exploration. He had of course seen the other boys pleasuring themselves by hand quite often in the acolyte's hall. As the hall was mixed genders, he'd even seen the girls at it now and then. Most of the acolytes did not seem to care much if they were seen doing it, and indeed some almost relished being watched. The impish young Paulo, two years Claudio's junior, touched himself constantly and tried desperately to draw attention to it, clearly enjoying an audience. It happened so frequently that several of the other boys had complained and one of the Instructors had to have a little chat with him. Claudio himself, with so many examples to follow, had discovered the pleasure of masturbation as well, though he vastly preferred to indulge privately, quickly, and move on with his day. He barely thought of it and had largely tuned out the other boys and girls doing it. He regarded it as a necessary bodily function, like eating or drinking.
Thus it was something of a shock to walk into his quarters one night after studying in the library to find Johan in intense masturbation, hand working vigorously on his manhood. Claudio froze on the spot in shock. His friend had his back to the door and did not appear to have noticed Claudio had entered. His attention seemed entirely fixated on his desk, upon which was set a small unlit candle. His breathing was short and labored. The motions of his arm showcased the muscles of his back, shoulder, and triceps. Claudio enjoyed the view but also wanted to run in horror from the room. He considered what incantations he could employ to mask his presence, to muffle his withdrawal from the quarters, but he was unable to concentrate. Wryly, he next considered what magick he could summon to burn himself away into dust to escape the awkwardness that now was flooding him. He sighed.
Almost in unison, Johan sighed too and stopped his stimulation. He shook his head, swearing to himself. "Come in, Claudio," he said at last, turning to face his friend for the first time. "Don't just stand there in the doorway."
Claudio had never so sincerely wished for death as in that moment. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to--"
"To what? Why are you so red?"
"I didn't mean to disturb you. Had I known..."
Johan laughed and sat back on his bed, making no movements to cover his nakedness. His erection lay against his belly, large and wreathed in hair. A grown man's genitals, truly. Claudio had never looked closely at his friend's penis when it was fully awakened, and was somewhat shocked by its size. "You must have walked by me pleasuring myself a hundred times back in the acolyte's hall, why so shy about it now?"
"It was crowded there. I could ignore it. Now you have... privacy. And I interrupted."
"It was bound to happen eventually, with us living together like this. We should just get used to it." Johan was slightly sweaty and seemed annoyed and distracted. Claudio could only presume it was his fault.
"I'm sorry to have upset you," he began.
"It's not you! You always blame yourself for everything, don't you? This has nothing to do with you." He continued staring off into the distance. Claudio set his things down on his desk and prepared for bed quietly, unsure what to say next. He made a resolute effort not to look at his friend's nakedness further, but that seemed to require more willpower than he had expected.
"To tell the truth, I'm annoyed at myself, not you" Johan said at last, breaking the silence. "I wasn't just having a go at myself for fun. You might have sensed that, I guess. It was... well, an assignment I suppose you could say. It's not going well."
Claudio felt a tingle of fear and excitement. This was part of the sex magick training? He desperately wanted to ask follow-up questions on that, but didn't dare to. "I'm sorry to hear that," he said instead.
"The truth is it's not gone well for three years now," Johan blurted out, like the words were just tumbling out of him beyond his control. "I'm starting to fear I'm hopeless. I'll never become a master."
Claudio was shocked. "I'm sure it's not so bad as you say."
"Listen to me, I'm telling you it's a nightmare. Three years ago I volunteered for the sex magick training and in all that time I haven't even passed the first test. The first! I've gone nowhere with it, frankly. I'm useless." Johan truly did seem desolate, but his raw emotion ran strangely at odds with his still erect member pulsing on his chest, which Claudio was still trying desperately not to look at and mostly failing.
"Oh!" was all Claudio could manage further. He could not help but start to smile.
"Don't laugh at me, I know it's completely embarrassing but no need to rub it in."
"It's not that at all!" Claudio was horrified at the thought. "It's just that this whole time I assumed you were already... Well, quite advanced in that area. And that I was falling far behind you. I haven't started at all, as you know."
"Not far behind in the slightest. I'd scarcely be any further back if I'd just waited to start as you have. I was not ready, that much is clear now. And I feel like a fool. Master Paelomon says three years is not a record for the longest time a student has gone without passing the first test, but I think he merely speaks to placate me. He must regret taking me on as a pupil."
"Master Paelomon is your instructor in these rituals?" Claudio was quite surprised. "I would have assumed it was a female Master."
Johan gave him a quizzical look. "Why?"
"Are you not... that way inclined? Towards women?"
"I am. Mostly." Claudio nearly fell over at that. Mostly?? This was news, indeed. Johan seemed not to notice his reaction and continued. "But all male magickers begin their training with a male instructor, regardless. You learn your own body and pleasure first, if that makes sense. It will when it comes your time, I suppose. At this rate I'll never touch a woman let alone do any sex magick with one, so it doesn't matter anyway."
Claudio laughed again in shock. "You've never coupled with a girl? Not even just... recreationally?"
"Are you surprised?"
"I had imagined you were very experienced in all of this. Much more so than me. I'm not laughing at you, I swear, I'm just amused at how wrong I was." In truth Claudio was not just amused, he was immensely relieved. And he felt a new kinship with his old friend. They had not grown so far apart in life as he had feared.
Johan looked at him with pleading eyes. "Don't tell a soul, please. I couldn't stand the shame."
Claudio got very serious at the implication. "I wouldn't dare. Of course I'll keep your secret."
"Thank you." Johan sighed, then shook himself and forced a smile. "You're a true friend. I am flattered by what you imagined about me. You think more of me than I do about myself."
Unsure of what to say to that, Claudio merely shrugged. "That's what a friend is for, I suppose."
Johan smiled, touched. He looked down at his manhood and laughed. "Well, I'm giving up on the magick for tonight, but I'm still going to take care of this before bed. Would you... like to join me?"
Claudio had just been starting to relax. Now he froze in terror again. "...what?"
"Living here together like this, we should just get over any awkwardness about it.. No doubt we'll both need to do it at the same time at some point. It could be just like in the acolyte's hall. Or... well, more. You're my best friend. We do everything else together. Think of it as a kind of... confirmation. Of brotherhood. If you like."
Johan's voice was very casual, almost too casual, like he was afraid he would frighten off his friend, who he knew to be shy and private. Claudio's tongue was suddenly quite thick. He'd seen the other boys pleasuring themselves at the same time, sharing techniques or exchanging dirty thoughts. Even saw them touching each other. That had happened so often amongst the older boys when Claudio had been young that it seemed almost commonplace. But nobody had ever directly invited him to join -- certainly never Johan of all people.
"I was afraid I would be frozen to that spot for the rest of my life," Claudio later confessed to Instructor Benedict. He had done what he often did when faced with emotions too big to deal with on his own, sought out the comforting calm of his favorite teacher.
"Did you want to? Some part of you?" Benedict asked. They were once again sharing a pot of tea. They had done so many times since the boy's first confession, though usually they discussed matters of magickal pedagogy or metaphysical philosophy. Sex had not come up again since that first meeting.
"Yes. Of course," Claudio admitted.
"Then why did you decline?"
In a flash he was reliving that moment, the pain of it, the way he'd made some nonsensical excuse, the clear disappointment on Johan's face. The tears he'd shed, his back to his friend and face to the wall pretending to sleep, while listening to the other young man work himself over and sigh loudly with climax. The absolute self-loathing and despair that had washed over him then returned again now with the memory. Not to mention the painful, deep longing.
The boy groaned in agony. "I don't know!"
Benedict pressed his lips together, then sipped his tea in a manner that suggested he was skeptical. It was one of his most common methods of non-verbal instruction. From that clue, Claudio knew he was to examine what he had just said carefully.
"Alright, I do know. A little. It's because I was scared."
"But why were you scared? Because masturbation is dirty and wrong?"
"Of course not!"
"Because performing it with a friend is unusual and deviant?"
"What? Not at all. I've seen boys doing it together many times. It happens. I don't think there's any harm in it at all."
Benedict smiled. "Then why not do it, young magicker? You admit you wanted to. You say you see nothing wrong or unhealthy in the act. It boggles the mind. Why not do it then?"
The questions felt like his teacher was driving at some lesson. "Do you know?" Claudio asked, desperate to make sense of it all.
"I suspect. But do you know? How well do you know yourself? Have a long think, there's no rush." And Benedict proceeded to enjoy his tea.
Claudio shook his head multiple times. A thought was bubbling up, but it was a dark one. He didn't like it, but he also couldn't shake it. And he couldn't just say nothing, not with his teacher waiting in silence. "Because..." he took a deep breath, then let it all out as he said, "Because I wanted to."
"A most honest insight. You fear your own desire. You fear getting what you want." The way Benedict said it, calmly and without any trace of concern, made it seem less scary than it had in the boy's head.
Claudio turned this thought over in his mind. It felt true, even if it didn't make any sense. "I guess so?"
"It's a thought to dwell on in the coming weeks," Benedict suggested.
"But why would I both want it and fear it?"
"It's the most natural thing in the world. In desire there is power, and not just metaphorically. Magickally. We've discussed before, I believe, the rationality of fear in the face of such things. There's also this to consider. To Johan, such an act would be a confirmation of brotherhood. Of friendship. Is this not what he said?"
"He did."
"Perhaps for you it would have been more complicated than that. Is that possible, do you think?" Benedict refilled his tea, looking for all the world as though they were just discussing the weather.
"What do you mean?"
"Johan's sexual interests incline towards women," Benedict hinted.
Mostly, Claudio thought to himself with an electric thrill.
"Thus, his view of such an act may differ quite a bit from yours. If, as we once discussed, you felt more inclined towards men. Is that still the case?"
Claudio nodded silently.
"And I suspect you care deeply about your friend."
"Of course!"
"And you find him beautiful? Handsome? Appealing, no doubt? I see you blushing, don't be ashamed. Johan has bloomed in the last year. We have all noticed. You find him attractive, do you not?"
Another silent, embarrassed nod.
"What for him would be an expression of friendship alone might stir up many other feelings for you. Does this not also explain your reluctance, your fear? What for him might confirm a friendship could, for you, complicate it."
"Yes. But by turning him down, I've made our friendship awkward and complicated it anyway," Claudio said, despairing.
"Not in the least, not if you don't let it. You'll just have to explain yourself to him, to whatever degree you feel comfortable. Open communication is the key to intimacy of any kind, and the only reason the Commune works. Otherwise we'd all have killed each other or ourselves by now." Benedict laughed. "He'll understand. He's a bright one, young Johan. With a big heart. And he has as much to learn from this interaction as you do."
"I'm afraid he'll ask me again," Claudio admitted.
"Ah."
"I'm also afraid... that he won't."
Benedict smiled broadly. "We are quite astounding creatures, are we not? To be able to feel two things, contradicting each other, at the same time -- and to feel them each authentically. That's uniquely human, I believe. There's great magick in that."
"Is there?"
"Much of the higher orders lie in the realm of multiple, sometimes contradictory meanings. As you pursue the Sixth and Seventh Orders, you will soon begin the rudiments of double incantations: two or more rites layered on top of themselves and performed in unison with equal sincerity. Two meanings, often conflicting, summoned at once."
"How is that possible?" Claudio said, wrinkling his nose.
"How indeed!" Benedict laughed again, "That is very much a question you'll be devoting the rest of your life to studying. One of many. You still have much to learn."
Claudio considered this for some time. There was a kind of vertigo in realizing how much you did not yet know. The vastness of his ignorance made his recent achievements in magickal arts and his ascension to the Fifth Order feel insignificant indeed. For the first time, another force was activated within his young mind that pulled him towards the very studies he had long feared -- that of intellectual curiosity. As much as he feared it, he found himself desperate to learn more.
"If I were to begin my training in sex magick," he hazarded casually, "Hypothetically, I mean. I would begin with instruction on my own pleasure, is that right? I would not have to... couple with anybody. To start."
"Has Johan been sharing forbidden secrets?" Benedict's tone revealed he was not actually upset.
"It just makes sense to me to begin in such a manner," Claudio said diplomatically, not answering the question.
"It is true. You'd begin with self-pleasure and the foundations of sex magick there. There's much to master before bringing another person into it."
Claudio spoke the next words carefully, one by one. "I might be ready for that much."
"Might?"
"I feel close to it. I don't want to be afraid anymore."
"You want the confidence to say yes next time Johan offers," Benedict said, wagging a finger at him. "Magick will not give you confidence, young man. It is the other way round entirely. Pleasure will not do it either."
"I don't want magick, or confidence, or even pleasure, not really," said Claudio. He was trying to convince his teacher, but he also realized as he said it that he meant each word.
"So you claim. Then what do you want? Why seek the training now, when it clearly still frightens you?"
"I want to..." He trailed off. How to explain it?
His teacher smiled but shook his head. "You are not ready. But do not fear. There is no shame in it. Do not let Johan or any other make you feel differently. Far better to start when you are ready than to rush such things. You will thank me for it, in the long run." He finished his tea and set the cup down.
Claudio felt dismissed. Or maybe he was just ashamed. Either way he felt compelled to gather himself and prepare to leave. But at the doorway, he froze with his hand on the door, his fingers trembling against the wood. Something in his mind could not allow him to leave the matter there, though he so badly wanted to slink away back into comfort. He knew suddenly with as much force as he'd ever known anything that running away would only be more comfortable, it wouldn't make him happier. Buried beneath the angst and shame, some part of him was sick of being afraid. He turned back to the Instructor and clenched his fists. The older man stopped in the act of cleaning up the tea and looked at him with a curious eye, waiting in silence. It was clear his pupil had something he wanted to say, something important. Since he was a kind and patient teacher, he gave him the space to find the courage to speak. The boy was quivering on the edge of some great decision, a decision that might reveal him to be more than just a boy.
At last, Claudio forced his mouth open. "I want to know myself. That's why," he said, "Even though I'm terrified, I want to... to know myself."
Benedict stared at him in silence. The moment lasted a long time, until Claudio's feet began to fidget. He wondered if he'd said something that would invite rebuke.
"If I knew myself, I could understand my fear. Does that make sense?" he added lamely, trying to smooth over the tension in the room.
"It makes the most sense of anything in the world," his instructor said at last, and Claudio was shocked to see tears welling up in his teacher's eyes.
"Have I offended you, master?" Claudio said suddenly. He had not called Benedict "master" in private in some time now, but he suddenly felt on very unsure footing. Why was his teacher crying?
"You have made me very proud, my boy," Benedict said, shocking his pupil into silence. "And with those words you have proven to me that you are ready to begin."
Claudio's mouth hung open a little. A small panic seized him. He had not expected to win the argument, not really. "I have? Begin? Like... now?"
"Yes, right now, this very moment. Off with your clothes and get sex magicking!" Benedict roared with laughter, and after a moment Claudio joined him, understanding too late he was only joking and feeling much relieved. "Of course not right at this exact moment. But any time you like. You are ready. The mindset of self-discovery is very much the right place to begin. If you are serious about this, you need only say the word and we will arrange time for the first lesson."
Claudio thought carefully. Was he terrified? He was. Was he ready? Probably not. But perhaps he would never be, not in the way he imagined. Maybe being willing to say he was ready was readiness enough. There was only one way to be sure, and anyway the alternative was running forever. He thought of the way he had slunk away from Johan's offer of intimacy and decided running away was not the fate he wanted for himself.
"I'm serious," he heard himself say. Benedict nodded. And just like that, the decision was made.