This story is a work of FICTION. The events described are my own invention. Any similarities to actual events or persons are strictly coincidental. The author retains the copyright, and any other rights, to this original story. You may not publish it or any part of it without my explicit authorization.
This story contains depictions of consensual sexual acts between teenage males. It is intended for mature audiences only. If you find this type of material offensive or if you are under the legal age to read said material; please proceed no further.
Comments are always welcome at: hailcaesar2011@hotmail.com
A Light in Dark Places Chapter 5
I knew that the other kids at the clinic had problems of their own, I didn't find out how bad some of them were until my first group session. My group was led by my therapist, Dr. Newman. Tyler was there and so was Kevin, who I knew from mealtimes, as well as a boy from our class named Charlie. Dr. Newman seemed sort of cold and official, when I'd met him in his office, but in the relaxed setting with the other boys, he seemed more approachable. He was also young for a psychiatrist, I found out he was only about 30, and maybe his youth helped me to warm up to him too.
Group therapy was held in a small room that felt like a family's living room. One wall was taken up by a picture window that gave us a magnificent view of the Housatonic River, another wall was taken up by a large rock fireplace, the others consisted of a rich wood paneling. Each of us had his own comfortable chair, arrayed in a circle around a small coffee table with a pitcher of water and cups. Once we'd all arrived and had taken our seats, Dr. Newman had us each introduce ourselves.
"Well boys, this is an informal session," said Dr. Newman, "We're all friends here, we're not here to judge each other, we're here to offer support and understanding. With that said, I'd like each of you to tell us how you came to be a guest here at Stonybrook."
Charlie went first and frankly, he didn't know what was wrong with him. He'd come here when a teacher had found a note he'd dropped in her class. The note read like a suicide letter and when his parents confronted him with it, he confessed to being depressed and that he'd thought of killing himself. He'd been at the clinic for almost a month and felt like he was getting better, even if there were times that he still felt depressed.
Kevin came here after his mother died, leaving him alone with his father who was a heavy drinker. Evidently Kevin's dad was a great guy, until he'd had a few, then he took out the pain of losing his wife on his son. One night, he'd beaten Kevin severely and while he was in the hospital, Kevin had broken into a medicine cabinet, looking for sleeping pills to overdose on. Kevin's father owned his own business and while he was in rehab, his insurance kept his son at the clinic. It was Kevin's hope that both he and his dad would get the help they needed and could find a way to be a family again. When he'd finished speaking, all eyes turned on me and Tyler, the two new boys.
"Well, I guess I'll go," said Tyler, "My names Tyler, I'm 16 and I'm gay."
That took me by surprise, I don't know why I thought I'd be the only gay boy at the clinic, after all, being gay and in the closet must cause problems for a lot of guys. I'd been intrigued by Tyler since I'd heard him crying in his room and I listened closely to his story.
"That's ok Tyler, lots of people are gay," said Dr. Newman, "We don't care, do we guys?"
No one spoke up but Kevin and Charlie both looked as though Tyler's homosexuality wasn't any problem for them. I sat there and shook my head to indicate I wasn't worried about it either.
"Right, well, about a month ago I told my best friend," said Tyler.
"I see and how did that go?" asked Dr. Newman.
"It went ok, he didn't get mad or anything, he made sure I knew he was straight but after that it was like nothing had happened," said Tyler.
"That's good but something else happened, didn't it?" said Dr. Newman.
"Yes," Tyler said, with a sniffle as though he was suppressing the urge to cry.
"It's ok Tyler," said Dr. Newman, patting him on the knee, "this is a safe place and no one outside this room will ever know what's said in here. We're all here to help each other."
"I didn't know that Adam's brother, Kyle, had overheard our whole conversation," said Tyler.
"I see, and did Kyle confront you with this?" asked Dr. Newman.
"No, not then, it didn't come up until a few days later," said Tyler, "me and Adam are in the Boy Scouts together and we like to camp so we'd planned to spend the night in the tent in his backyard. When I got there, Adam was sick but since I'd planned to be at his house, my parents went out of town for the night and I'm not allowed to stay home alone."
Tyler tensed up a little then, he brushed a tear out of his eye and then Dr. Newman urged him to continue his story.
"What did you end up doing?" asked Dr. Newman.
"I ended up staying with Adam, he was sick and all we really did was talk and then he went to bed early. Kyle said that the tent was all set up in the backyard and that there was no point in letting it go to waste and that he and I could sleep out there. I didn't see any harm in it so I went to the back with him," said Tyler, stopping for breath.
"I knew it was a bad idea as soon as we got out there. Kyle brought a six pack of beer with him, I don't know where he got it, he's only 17, but he started drinking and then told me I wasn't a real man if I didn't have one with him. I ended up giving in just so he'd leave me alone, it tasted nasty but he made me drink it all and I eventually got kind of buzzed. That's when he asked me if I wanted to suck his dick," Tyler blushed.
"I just looked at him. I was shocked that he'd ask that, I figured Adam must have told him I was gay, even though he said he wouldn't tell anyone. Kyle kept pushing it until finally he took his dick out and I'm ashamed to say it but, well, I sucked it," said Tyler, hanging his head in shame.
"It's ok Tyler, you didn't do anything wrong," Dr. Newman comforted, encouraging Tyler to continue.
"After a while he pulled out of my mouth and told me to bend over, he said that he uh, wanted to put it in me," said Tyler.
Charlie snorted, earning himself dirty looks from me and Kevin and a rebuke from Dr. Newman.
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, Tyler, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at how you said that," Charlie apologized.
"It's ok, I didn't know if I should say that he uh, wanted to fuck me," Tyler blushed.
"It's alright Tyler, just tell your story however you feel comfortable," said Dr. Newman.
"I told him I didn't want to, sure I'm gay but that doesn't mean I want to go around screwing everyone and I didn't want to lose my virginity to some drunk guy who wasn't even gay and just wanted to use me to get off," said Tyler.
"He didn't stop though, did he?" asked Dr. Newman.
"No," Tyler sniveled, "he forced me onto my stomach and pulled my pants down, I begged him not to do it but he called me a faggot and said he knew I wanted it."
On pure instinct alone, I reached out and held Tyler's hand. He squeezed it tight and tried to hold back his tears but he couldn't help it, he started sobbing.
"It hurt so bad," Tyler cried, "I begged him to stop but he wouldn't, he just kept going until he was done and then he left me there alone."
I had tears in my own eyes. I couldn't believe Tyler's story, sure I hadn't known him long but he seemed like such a sweet, innocent kind of kid. I couldn't figure out what kind of person would hurt him, or how that person could live with himself afterwards.
"Fucking drunk," said Kevin, shaking his head in disgust.
I was still holding Tyler's hand, he was squeezing mine like a vice. Dr. Newman didn't ask any more questions, he reached over and put his hand on Tyler's back, rubbing it in a circular motion until Tyler calmed down.
"I was so ashamed of what happened that a few days later, my mom and sister said they were going shopping, my dad was out of town on business and I took his keys and started his car in the garage. My sister forgot something and they had to come back to the house, if they hadn't found me, I'd be dead right now," Tyler sniffled.
Dr. Newman offered him what platitudes he could but clearly there wasn't much he could say at this point, and I don't think he would have anyway. The point of this session wasn't to cure us in the first hour, it was to bring our problems to light, to share what had happened to us, to show us each in turn that we weren't alone in our pain. Once Tyler had composed himself, he explained that his friends family, including his rapist brother, had moved to North Carolina, I was glad that he wouldn't ever have to see him again. When Tyler finished, everyone turned their eyes on me.
"Peter, if you'd like to share, we'd all like to hear from you," said Dr. Newman.
I took a deep breath, and then I felt ready.
"Last week was my birthday," I started.
"Happy birthday," said Tyler, patting me on the back.
"Thanks," I half smiled.
"Just so you guys know, I'm gay, like Tyler here," I stated, nodding at my across the hall neighbor, "It was my birthday and uh, my boyfriend, uh, Connor, he talked me into breaking out of our boarding school and going to the beach for the day."
"Sounds like he was quite the adventurer," Dr. Newman smiled.
"Yeah, he really was," I smiled, "He was always finding new ways to get us into trouble, he came up with the greatest pranks, you'd think we would have been kicked out of school for some of the stuff we did but everyone loved Connor, I swear he could talk his way out of anything."
"Peter, what happened to Connor?" asked Dr. Newman.
"It was my birthday," I sniffled, "We ended up camping out on the beach and when I woke up the next morning, he wasn't there. I found him lying on the beach, he must have woken up before me and gone for a swim. Maybe he hit a rock or got tangled up in some seaweed, he died."
I sat there and let the tears run down my face, I wasn't ashamed of them, I loved Connor and I didn't care who saw me grieve for him. I didn't tell them about how we'd made love in the dunes, they didn't need to know that, I don't care how much they may have wanted to help, that memory was just for me. Tyler had appreciated my reassuring hand when he'd told his story, he returned the favor by placing his on my shoulder.
"I couldn't handle it, I didn't want to live in a world without Connor," I sniffled, "there was a kind of service for him at our school, everyone was going up to the microphone to share something about him and I sorta blew up. I told them that they didn't know anything about Connor, that they didn't know him like I did and then I ran out. I put some bricks in my pockets and tried to drown myself in the school pool but one of the gym coaches rescued me. The night before I came here, my dad found me sitting at his desk with his gun on the blotter."
I looked around the room and I saw that Tyler had tears running softly down his cheeks, Kevin eyed me with sympathy and even Charlie was wiping away a tear. I sobbed for a few minutes but I took comfort in their sympathy, they'd all had struggles of their own and maybe our tragedies united us together. After I spoke, Dr. Newman calmed us all down, talked about how we weren't alone and how we should talk to each other, even when we weren't in group, that it might help us find different ways to cope with our loss or pain. When he was done, our session was over and it was time for dinner.
I still didn't want to eat, but after group, I didn't even feel a rumbling in my tummy, I had no appetite at all. I sat quietly, starring at my mashed potatoes, with Tyler, Kevin and our usual meal companion, Jacob.
"Come on Peter, you gotta eat something," said Tyler.
"I'm not hungry," I whispered.
One of the orderlies, Perkins, the same guy who had shown me to my room when I arrived, overheard my conversation with Tyler.
"Whitmore, eat your dinner buddy," said Mr. Perkins.
"I said I'm not hungry."
"I heard you but you hardly ate anything at breakfast, you didn't eat anything at lunch and if you don't eat your dinner I'm going to have them hook you up with a feeding tube, now eat," said Perkins, forcefully.
I looked up at Perkins and then jabbed a few pieces of chicken and carrot with my fork. I shoveled the food down, bite after bite, but it was too fast, I choked, then threw up all over my plate. I stood up on wobbly legs, grabbed my plate and hurled it angrily against the wall, breaking the dish and splattering food and vomit everywhere. All conversation stopped, every pair of eyes was on me.
"There, happy?" I shouted, then turned to walk away.
Perkins put his hand gently but firmly on my shoulder and tried to turn me so I'd face him but I shrugged it off and ran out of the room. I shouldn't have taken my anger out on him but he shouldn't have gotten in my face and tried to threaten me with that feeding tube either. My first instinct was to run to my room but I knew that would be the first place anyone would look for me, so instead, I ran out to the covered patio, at the back of the building, that overlooked the grounds. My heart was pounding and my lungs were screaming for air, as I burst out onto the patio. I leaned against the wall, slid down on my butt, pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapped my arms around them, hid my face and cried.
I sat there a mix of emotions. I was angry at Perkins for getting in my face, angry at myself for over reacting and throwing up like a fool, angry at myself for being unable to handle my problems and wanting nothing more than for Connor to hug me, make a stupid joke about my behavior and tell me it was going to be ok. Was going to be ok? That's all I wanted but I didn't feel it would ever be ok again, how was it going to be ok if Connor wasn't here? I only sat there for a few minutes, when I felt someone sit down beside me then reach over and stroke my hair gently, as if petting a cat.
"Come on, drink this," said Wendy, trying to hand me a bottle of water.
"I'm not thirsty," I croaked.
"Ok, then drink it for me, you puked and your breath stinks," she reasoned.
Once she said that, I noticed it myself, my mouth tasted terrible. I took the water bottle, swished some of the liquid around in my mouth then spit it out. We sat there quietly, until I'd finished the bottle, then Wendy tried to hand me half of a sandwich.
"Come on, eat this," said Wendy.
"I'm not hungry," I replied.
"I know, but I don't want to see them stick you with a feeding tube, so would you eat this please" she asked, "for me?"
I sighed and realized that I didn't want to be jabbed with a feeding tube either. I took the sandwich from Wendy and held it in both hands, nibbling at it like a squirrel.
"That's it, good boy," Wendy smiled.
She put her hand on the back of my neck and stroked it softly, while I ate. It wasn't a sexual kind of touch, she wasn't attracted to me, it was more the kind of thing that a mother or big sister might do to their little brother. Her sense of style made her seem standoffish but Wendy's touch was soothing and I didn't object to it. I did question it though, the first time I'd met her she looked at me like she wanted to rip my throat out, now she was petting my neck and feeding me. I wondered why she had the sudden interest in taking care of me.
"Why are you being nice to me?" I asked.
"I don't know what you're talking about, preppy," said Wendy.
"Come on, the first time we met you acted like you wanted to kick my ass, now you're trying to take care of me, what's up?" I asked.
"Would you rather I go back to wanting to kick your ass?" she replied.
"No, this is nice, I just want to know what brought on the change," I stated.
"Let's just say you remind me of someone and leave it of that," said Wendy.
"Who?" I asked.
"I said leave it at that, didn't I?" said Wendy.
"Right, sorry."
"Good boy, now here, wipe your eyes," said Wendy, handing me a paper towel to wipe the tears out of my eyes.
"I definitely like this side of you better," I stated, as I took off my glasses and wiped my face.
"Yeah, like I told you this afternoon, I'm sorry I was a bitch to you," said Wendy.
"It's ok, I probably had it coming," I smiled, weakly.
"Dork," said Wendy, shoving me playfully.
"Listen, a bunch of us get together in the music room for arts and crafts after dinner, why don't you come?" asked Wendy.
"No offense but I don't think making some bullshit dream-catcher is going to make me feel any better," I stated.
"It's not like that smartass," Wendy giggled, "some of us paint or draw, it depends on the person really, but the piano is in there and well, I heard you play, you're good, I bet everyone would like to hear some music."
"I don't know, every time I sit down to play, I always end up crying," I explained.
"So, play something upbeat then," said Wendy, taking my hand and pulling me to my feet, "come on, your friend Tyler will be there."
I could see I wasn't getting out of this so I followed Wendy back into the building and into the music room. There were about ten kids there, some were drawing, other's were just talking, and Tyler was there reading a book.
"Hey guys, you all remember Peter from dinner," said Wendy, getting herself a few laughs for her trouble, "he's a pianist and he's going to play some music for us."
"Cool," said one of the other girls.
"Yeah, that'll be great," said Tyler.
Wendy left me to go over to an easel, I guess she was the one who painted, and I sat down at the piano.
"Something upbeat, something upbeat," I whispered to myself, trying to think of what to play.
When in doubt, go to George Winston, I told myself. Winston is my favorite pianist and his repertoire was full of songs that seemed to fit my every mood. I thought his Lullaby would be a perfectly upbeat selection and started to play it from memory. I played the song to completion and even felt myself smiling when I was done. The smile was short lived though, I started blushing when some of my fellow patients started clapping.
"That was great Peter, you're really good," said Shannon, one of the older girls.
"Yeah do you know anything else?" asked Davey, a freshman.
"Uh, sure, anything in particular that you'd like to hear?" I asked.
"I don't know, something fun," said Davey.
I knew just the thing, Winston strikes again, I smiled to myself, as I started to play the Peanuts Theme.
"Oh my god, I know this song," said Davey.
He got up and started doing this goofy little dance but it made people laugh and soon most of the others were dancing around the room. Tyler was still sitting in his corner but he had a big grin on his face while he watched the others. Wendy winked at me, then walked over to Tyler, yanked the timid blond from his chair and then made him dance with her. Under different circumstances I'd say this was fun. Hell, forget the circumstances, this was fun. I played for the next couple of hours, taking requests from the others or pulling things out from my memory, until the light flashed and I saw Dr. Collins, standing by the switch.
"Ok children," Dr. Collins smiled, "It's almost time for bed, you all need to head upstairs."
There were a few groans but I agreed to come back, after dinner tomorrow and that seemed to stifle any arguments about being able to stay up longer. I followed Tyler upstairs and then said goodnight before retiring to my own room. I put on my pajamas and climbed into bed, I wasn't exactly feeling good but I wasn't feeling sorry for myself either.
I slept soundly for a few hours but then the dream started again. I was on the beach, Connor's cold, lifeless body was in my arms, his eyes snapped open, black as night, and he called my name in that sharp, disembodied voice.
"Peter," he called.
I closed my eyes and waited to wake up but I didn't wake, he called my name again.
"Peter."
I opened my eyes and Connor stood up and reached his hand out to me.
"Come with me Peter."
I took his hand and he led me out into the water. It came up to my shins, then my knees, then up to my waist. The water was bitterly cold, yet somehow Connor's hand was even colder.
"Connor, I'm cold," I stated.
"Come with me Peter, we're almost there."
"Where are we going?" I asked, as we walked further out into the sea.
"Almost there Peter, come with me."
"You're not Connor, are you?" I asked.
"Come with me Peter," said the figure, who stopped and fixed me with his black eyes, "almost there."
"I want to go back to the beach," I said, and started to pull my hand away from his, but he locked me in a vice grip and pulled my arm.
"Almost there," said the figure.
"NO!" I shouted.
"Almost there," said the figure as it started to rapidly decay and rot, slipping deeper in the water, pulling me with it.
I pulled back on my arm and struggled with this decaying thing but it fought harder and dragged me under the water. I fought hard, kicking and punching, struggling to get away but the water itself seemed to be grabbing my legs and pulling me under. At the last minute, I shot up in bed and panted for breath, my hair was matted to my forehead and I was shivering.
"What the fuck was that?" I panted into the night.