Chapter 138
We waited and waited and as I sat a bedside vigil, his limp frame did not move. He was unresponsive to my touch and although I could feel the warmth radiating from his hand, it gave me hope, it told me he would be ok. Doctors and nurses came and went and I was asked to leave when they conducted tests.
It was 6pm midnight on day 3 when he opened his eyes. He looked at me. Scared, helpless, not able to speak as the tubes in his throat were restricting him. "Shhh babycakes, you will be ok." I reassured him, stroking his forehead. We looked at each other for what appeared hours, but in minutes it was all over. He closed his eyes. His hand went limp, and my life's partner was gone. Gone. Gone forever. I didn't call a doctor or a nurse. I knew. It was over. I wanted to be alone with him to say my goodbyes, to cherish these last moments and to mourn 25years of love and laughter. I wanted it to be me on that bed. I wanted to go. I didn't want to be here without him. I was broken. This was never meant to happen to him.
As a nurse walked in, she could tell from my expression as to what had happened. She politely turned around and exited before returning with a doctor. A young German male, with a kind face. I could not remember what he said, but I felt comfortable with his acknowledgment. Chris then walked in and realised what had happened. His strong muscular hands rested on my shoulders from behind as I reached up to acknowledge him.
"Did you want me to inform anyone?" he asked softly.
"I need to let the girls know. Please make sure Sam is aware and tell him to not do or say anything else. Let the immediate team know." I was being so stoic and it felt I was on auto pilot as I gave instructions. How to bury a loved one. How do I arrange a farewell. How do I say goodbye.
As I walked out of his room, Jules was sitting in the waiting room with Marcus. She could tell by the look in my eyes that he was gone. She ran to me and engulfed me in her arms. I couldn't speak. I sobbed. The tears ran down my face and I was unable to make noise or acknowledge her. Outside the glass waiting area, Marcus could see people, media, milling around and used his discretion to move us aside out of view. He pulled us into a small room and let us be. He knew he had to get a hold of Maggie before the media did and he needed to shield her from afar, and look after his family, a leading position he didn't think he would ever have to take.
Phoning Sally in the US he explained the situation. Maggie was in class and he knew she would have to be pulled out to told.
"Leave it with me" Sally instructed. "I will phone Sam and have her in Munich ASAP"
"Thanks Sal. I owe you" He said
"It's our job" she said softly. "Not the best part of it, but still our job"
Sally interrupted the class and Maggie came out. "What now. I was really enjoying that lecture" she said a little put out by the interruption.
"It's Jackson, he's gone. He passed away 30mins ago. I am so sorry hon"
Maggie stood there frozen. Dada was gone. She should have gone to Munich. Dad told her he would be ok. Now he was gone.
"Get me out of here before I throw up" She stated as she walked towards the campus exit to the waiting car.
It was too late. The media were already there. Head down she slid in to the back seat. "I need uncle Steven. Can someone find him and bring him to the house."
"Leave it with me" Sally said reaching for her phone.
Back in Munich Chris was collecting Jacksons possessions from the Hospital as I had already left with Jules in my car to return to the Villa. It was obvious word was out, and I didn't really care how or why, I just wanted to run away. Nothing mattered now. Money, banks, airlines, homes, cars. Nothing. I didn't want any of it. I wanted to be Grant Smith of Darlinghurst Australia, Husband of Jackson, father of Jules & Maggie. I wanted my 9-5 office job, struggling to make ends meet. A father, a husband, a partner, happy.
Arriving at the Villa, Paul had been informed. He looked at me and said nothing. "I will be in my room. Absolutely no intrusions. Do I make myself clear." I said as I walked in the door.
"Yes Sir" He said, not knowing the best way forward.
I kissed Jules forehead and walked off. I didn't know why, but I knew that I had to be alone. I walked in my room, I took a sleeping tablet, I undressed and grabbed Jacksons pillow and held it tight and cried. A faint aroma of him was evident which comforted me in my grief. But now that was all I had. I wanted to forget the day had existed and I wanted to wake with me in his arms as we did on so many mornings.
I stayed in my room two days. No food, no light, no fresh air. Just water and sleeping tablets. I had instantly become a hermit. My desire to live had escaped me. I knew I had two wonderful daughters and two amazing grandchildren, but right now, I didn't care. I didn't have a husband. 51yrs old and gone. A brain bleed that had been undetected for months. A preventable illness that through a series of bumps and falls had grown and now killed him.
It was my darling Maggie who broke in through a window in my dressing room. "Dad, this isn't healthy. I need you to get it together."
She was so right, but I couldn't. I never want to see anyone again. I had never experienced grief like this, and I knew others had experienced far worse.
"We have arranged a service for this evening, and we need you there. I need you to get up and shower."
"Just leave me alone baby girl. I am not ready."
"I knew you would say that, so bought in the heavy artillery." With that she opened up the bedroom door, to a very sombre looking Michael, who had just arrived from Sydney.
"I'll leave you two alone" she said, exiting the bedroom
"Hey boss. I heard you were having a bad day?" he started "May I?" he signalled to the bed.
I let out an audible groan both acknowledging his presence, and permission to sit on the bed. What I though was to be a sit and talk, Michael moved to the other side of the bed, and wrapped me in one of biggest bear hugs. The type Jackson used to give.
"Once upon a time, there was a guy who taught me all about excepting grief. He dragged me across the planet to face it. Now that same guy is experiencing the same thing, and I need to repay the favour"
We laid there in an embrace for an hour. No words, no noises, no interruptions. It was the safest I had felt since Jackson had gone missing, almost a week ago now.
"So there's a few things we need to do, and if you don't want to, I can do it with the girls. We need to choose a suit, we need to choose a casket, we need to make sure you are ready. I will leave the first two to the girls, I will take care of the last thing. That ok with you, dad.?"
"Yeah, but I am not ready to face them all yet."
"I know. But we will" his voice soft and reassuring.
He pushed the intercom button the side of the bed and Paul appeared alone.
"Hi Paul, can you please arrange a pot of tea, Ms Jules and Ms Maggie to come in. I need a barber, some sandwiches and Sam."
"Yes Sir." And with that Paul left the room, only to have the girls enter.
"Hey Girls, can you please pick a suit and tie out for Dada to wear. Something that reflected his personality. Then phone the funeral home and select the casket. I am going to help Dad up, get him showered, make him have a bite to eat, some tea, and get his hair cut. Then tomorrow after the service, I am going to take him somewhere quiet, away from everyone to help him grieve, if that's ok with you both."
Their acknowledgment came through a kiss and a hug for both their father and Michael, who had come to treat the girls as sisters, and they him, like a brother. Departing the room quietly, Michael now helped me from the bed and into the bathroom. I had not showered in days, and it was telling. Turning the shower on to hot, he stripped off and helped me in to the shower and washed me down. Shampooing my hair and washing my face, he was tender in his touch. For me it was another case of walking through the foggy haze of the past few days.
As he towelled me dry, I realised that I had lost Jackson, but people still cared for me. It didn't ease my pain, but I knew people were looking out for me. We walked into my bedroom and a barber was sitting there waiting to shave me and trim my hair.
Michael placed me in the chair and poured me a cup of tea that was waiting in a pot on the table. "Drink this, and have a bite to eat. I need you back to earth for a little" were his instructions as he handed me the cup.
"I can't. I just want to go back to bed. I don't want to live with out him"
"I know the pain. We will do this together" he said as he rubbed my shoulder.
He left me a moment as the barber tendered to me as best he could. From the outside I was looking better, but no one could see the pain and horror of the inside I was suffering. 25yrs I kept thinking. Now what. What do I do, where to go. How do I keep going on.
Dressing in a black suit with the help of my aide's I stood solemnly as they tied my tie, helped me in to my shoes and made sure I was ready to leave. Michael and the girls entered my room and together looking very sombre we exited the room as one and made our way downstairs where about 20 or so friends from Sydney had arrived, along with my team and staff.
Cath approached me first. "Darling man, we can do this. You can do this. We need to do this" she leant in to kiss my cheek and squeeze my hand.
Ross looking a lot like me was next. "Babe, we are all hurting. I love you always. Please. Be strong"
I was doing everything I could to not lose it and turn and run back upstairs. Maggies tight grip on my hand was keeping me firmly in place as we made our way to the waiting cars out the front.
Michael was to travel with me, with Chris up front for security. The girls and Marcus were behind us, leaving the twins at home. Everyone else was following in a procession of black cars that would make their way to the Munich town hall for the service. It was chosen as a the venue as both Jackson and I were Agnostic, and did not have a place for religion in our lives, with him being the victim of sexual assault by the clergy as young child. Cath had organised a friend of hers who was an ordained minister to lead the service. Personally I didn't care. I just wanted it over.
Chapter 139
As we made our way into the city centre on what was a cold evening, hundreds of people were gathered out the front of the town hall as we arrived. The impact we had had on this city since we arrived I had understated and was shocked so many people came out to brave the cold. From the bank, to the foundation to other businesses we owned, we employed 25000 in Munich and were the largest philanthropic family around.
Pulling up to a stop I needed to compose myself before I knew a thousand cameras would be flashing in my face.
"It's go time boss. You ready" Chris asked from the front.
Not waiting for an answer, he jumped out of the car and around to my door, opening it up and assisting me out. The girls were waiting for me and it wasn't long before Michael was behind us. I grabbed the girls hands so they were next to me, and Michael and Marcus one step behind. To me I had my immediate family close by and supporting me. Ross, Cath, Diana, Same, James were all a part of the procession as we entered the hall and made our way forward.
The surrealness of the event came crashing down on me as I noticed the casket at the front of the hall. I hadn't paid attention to what the girls had told me as far as organising, I just agreed and nodded. I was now to face my lover one final time. Step after step I noticed community leaders, politicians, Johan, other bank executives all lined the rows, and as I got closer, Steven, Klaus, Paul were all sitting quietly, heads slightly bowed.
Approaching the casket, the pain in me intensified as I was his face. The bronze of a god, the dimple in his chin, the stubble on his face, the scar on his cheek. All of the things I loved about him. His salt and pepper hair was set as he would always wear it. He looked like he always looked.
Maggie was first to approach. "Now and forever Dada" as she leant down to kiss his forehead placing a charm in with him, he had given her many years ago. Jules, trembling by now moved closer. "My Dada, my life, my rock. You made me everything I am. I love you" she said as she placed a picture of the twins and her in his casket.
I was broken. Our daughters should never have had to do this so early in their life. I was finding it hard to breath and stand as Marcus and Michael held me from behind.
Leaning in, I kissed his lips. They were cold, unlike his sole who I knew I would remain warm forever. I needed him back, but I was facing the inevitable. As a last thought I slipped off my wedding ring and placed it on his finger. I was his forever and ever. I would never forget my one true love.
Moving back to our seat, the minister commenced her service. I am sure it was lovely, but I had no recollection of the words said. Jules stood and gave a eulogy, as did Ross on behalf of me. The night I met Jackson, Ross was with me, he had known him as long as I had. If anyone could speak of Jacksons character, our love, our relationship, it was him. After some hymns and songs, and words to help heal, a group of young people from the Foundation who we had helped, carried out the casket. As we stood and watched, I knew my life had changed. I didn't want it to, but it had. Tears cascaded down my face as we followed the casket out. Mourners walked behind us out into the crisp evening air and on to the street.
As I waved goodbye to my Jackson silence came across the gathering. We knew the world had lost one of the good ones.
I received a line of well wishers before moving towards the car. Sliding in the back seat and loosening my tie I openly wept all the way back to the Villa. "I want his body returned to Australia, he is to be buried there. I want out of this town tomorrow; and I want to be alone. Do I make myself clear"
"Boss, we can't allow you to be alone, you know that" Chris said.
"Leave it with me. I will make the plans." Michael interjected to stop a potential conflict.
I arrived home and people were gathered. I didn't want to mingle; I wanted my home emptied but the girls were being the perfect host. I knew they were hurting; I knew they wanted their Dada back. It was the one thing all my wealth could not bring them. I spoke with the Australian ambassador as well as the German Chancellor, there were a few minor royals and many titans of industry. Jane from our Australian Airline operations was still in town, as was Johan, Steven and Klaus. People I had never met were offering their condolences and I hadn't realised Marcus's parents, Yaniv and his wife were also there. All of these people I would never have met had it not been for my incredible wealth and change of circumstances just over two years ago, but here we were mixing in with my Aussie mob of friends that he girls had organised to have flown in a chartered, short notice, flight for the funeral. I was thankful.
As I finally made my way upstairs, Michael accompanied me to my room. "Do you need me to stay?" he asked.
"Yes please. I don't want to be alone." Was all I needed to say. He knew that. He was a lot like a younger me.
As my aides helped me undress, Michael slipped out of clothes and into the bed. I slid into my side and without a word being spoken I turned off the light and placed my head on the pillow. In moments Michaels massive arms wrapped over my waste and pulled me in tight. It was only then that I allowed myself to silently sob.
Morning arrived too soon. I wanted to stay in bed. I didn't want to face the world. I wanted to stay in bed forever. Paul arrived with tea for me and coffee for Michael, placing each on our bedside. Michael's status from personal security to close family had been recognised by all, in an unspoken word. He was afforded the respect of the same level as the girls, and his word was final.
"Come on sleepy head, drink your tea. I need you to shower, and then we can leave." He instructed as I laid there.
"Ok" was all I could muster. I felt like a 2yo being given instructions by a parent but I was not complaining.
We showered and dressed and went down stairs. The girls were sitting around the kitchen table feeding the twins and when I entered the conversation stopped. I had no need or want to question, I just wanted to escape.
"I am taking Dad away for a few weeks to escape the limelight and let him heal. Once we arrive, I will give you all the details, and you are more than welcome anytime." Michael instructed the girls, and anyone else listening.
"We love you daddy" Maggie said.
I leant down to kiss the twins and give them a hug before I leave "Please take care of the next generation. You are all my life, but right now I need to heal" They both rose from their seats and the three of us hugged until a hungry Jack screamed wanting more Breakfast.
"You tell them Jack" I said, garnering my first smile in a week.
With that I turned and made my way to the door where Paul greeted me with a down Jacket against the cold morning.
"Take care, Herr" he said with a short curt nod, as was his custom.
Arriving at the airport the G8 was idling as we arrived. Whilst I had no idea where we were headed, I was surprised to see it and not he Airbus. "Short trip I see" acknowledging the jet.
"Just try not to think about it"
Taxiing across the runway and eventually lifting off, I was fairly numb. I was trying to think of business, family, anything that wasn't Jackson, but my brain refused to play. Over and over the scene in the stairway played over in my head. That's when I lost him. Not in the hospital, but in the stairway of the Foundation complex.
I would just start to sob uncontrollably every time I closed my eyes........the pain would not subside.
We landed and I knew immediately where we were. Cayman Islands. Michael knew it was the right place. It was Jacksons home. He wanted it and he bought it. We hadn't been back since he'd redecorated it but Michael knew I would be close to him here. At times I looked at Michael as a big kid, but when he did something like this, it showed his maturity and understanding of reading the scene.
Walking in to the house I felt Jacksons presence straight away. I didn't cry. I sat. I felt like I was not alone, and for now, that was the feeling I wanted. Michael and I were the only two here and it was what I wanted. I didn't want a team of cleaners, housekeepers, cooks, butlers or aides I usually had around me. I wanted to be as near enough alone as possible. It was obvious that some people knew we were there as the fridge was stocked and I spied a few guys from the security team in the distance, but I was guessing they were told to stay away unless required.
"Did you want to have a nap, or a bite to eat?" Michael asked.
"I want to go for a walk on the beach. Feel the sand beneath my toes" I requested.
"OK, alone?"
"Yes, if you don't mind. I just want some alone time"
I changed into some shorts and T and barefoot I walked out the back, past the pool and onto the golden sands alone. I stood at the water's edge with the water lapping over my feet, It was warm and soothing as I stood there. I looked out to the horizon, past the yachts bobbing in the water, to the distance to see if I could find any answers. There were none, so I walked along the beach gathering my thoughts. I could stay here forever was the only thing that ran through my mind.
Chapter 140
7 weeks had passed and I had cut myself off completely from the world. I spoke to the girls occasionally, but ignored all business requests and took no calls other than from the girls. I didn't want to see them, I was happy in my own world of being alone. Michael and I would sleep together at night, but he knew it was not sexual. He wouldn't talk about anything other the island and his studies he was doing remotely whilst he was with me.
I felt no guilt as to what I was doing. It was my decision and I had people I trusted running my businesses. It was after 7 weeks, one afternoon, when Michael came and approached me as I was sitting on the beach alone reading a book.
"Dad, can we talk?" he started.
"I wont be long, and I will be back at the house."
"This can't wait. I need to talk to you" he said using his hand to guide my face towards his.
"What is it" I said sounding frustrated.
"You. Jackson died. Not you. It is time you pulled your head out of your arse and got back to the real world. People rely on you. You have daughters, you have grandkids. You have friends and you have family. Grant, you're killing me watching you. You once lecture me about closure, but you are doing everything except. It is time. The Airbus will be here tomorrow and we are leaving."
"Who the fuck do you think you are. Who gave you the right to tell me when I can stop grieving. Who the fuck...." My voice trailed off as the tears started again.
Michael reached in and hugged me and as we both cried, I knew deep down he was right. It was time. I need to resume my life whether I liked it or not. I had to be a father, a grandfather, a business man, a community leader again. I may never stop grieving but for Jackson I need to return to life without him beside me.
He lifted me up and placed his arm around me as we walked back to the house. Cayman was the right place to be alone, but now I needed to return.
"We will head to Australia, I need to start to live again."
"I have already had flight plans lodged. We were going there whether you liked it or not" he laughed.
"Why do I let you handle me."
"Because I let you handle me" he replied.
That night as we made our way to bed, we undressed and slid in to bed. I knew Michael had not had sex for as long as I had. Whilst I wasn't looking for a quick fuck, I need the warmth of another man inside me. Instead of rolling over and being the small spoon to Michaels big spoon, I laid facing him. He looked in my eyes and we didn't need to speak. I reached in and kissed his beautiful lips. He returned with a gentleness and passion I was looking for. We kissed for a while, with no rush to move forward, and before long I was between Michaels legs servicing his meaty tool, in a way thanking him, for being here with me. Pulling me up, he rolled me over. Sliding down my back with kisses, he reached my arse which slowly he spread open with his fingers before allowing his strong hot tongue to delve into my hole which had remained untouched in almost 2 months. He would not stop eating my hole, to the point I involuntarily came without touching my cock. I hadn't done such since I was much younger, but this man was on a mission. Encouraging him to continue he grabbed some lube and worked my hole open with his fingers, knowing I would not be able to take him whole after a long hiatus. One, two, three fingers probed my inner self as he told me how much he loved working his dad's arse. He made me feel so special, as he always did, and then I felt him. I felt the downward pressure of this enormously thick cock stretch me open as if I was about to be fisted.
Taking his time, he probed his bulging cock head in and out of me. Each time he pushed in I thought I would cum again. The emotions running through me I could not describe if I tried, but I wanted him in me.
"You want your boys cock in you" He continued to ask as he probed my now willing hole.
"Fuck your dad. All the way in" I commanded as he thrust forward making my cock shoot in to the bed linen for the second time. I was not done. I wanted him to continue until he was done. Pulling out he flipped me over and dragged me to the foot of the bed. Placing my legs on his shoulders he pumped and ploughed me until I could feel his balls tighten up and let out a girthy grunt and load me like I had never been loaded before. Stroking my cock furiously, I let blast another load over by chest and laid there. He collapsed on top of me. Kissing me gently.
After a few months, he pulled me up to the pillows and spooned me tight.
It was this moment that I knew for the first time in two months I was going to be ok.