A Journey (c) 2003 Alex D
Part Two
The beach stretched before me, not a footprint on the sand, not a soul in sight. It was early evening, the sun was just setting and the steep rock faces which sheltered this little piece of heaven were starting to lose their sandy colour, fading to silhouettes against the dark blue of the sky .The sea lapped quietly over the light sand, reflecting a variety of colours: the green of the lush vegetation that fringed the beach and the fading yellow and orange of the sunset... I breathed deeply, looking into the sinking sun, almost completely overwhelmed by the beauty of my surroundings. Being there in that gorgeous, peaceful paradise, I felt fleetingly as if I was the only person in the world, and the rush of loneliness that swept me almost took my breath away.
Then I heard the chatter behind me, and knew that Sam and Greg had finally extracted themselves from the obnoxious Scottish couple who had spoiled our dinner by droning on and on about the "disgusting" sex shows in Bangkok. "How come you saw TWO of them then," I had barked at them before storming off, unable to be polite any more, and making a mental note to check out the shows for myself when I returned to the Thai capital.
I turned to watch Sam and Greg approaching, emerging from a burst of palm trees at the base of the rocky outcrop, laughter floating across the distance that seperated us. I loved the way Sam walked, swinging his arms casually at his side,easy, fluid movements which, from behind, made his ass look just about perfect. He was having to lean down a good bit to hear what Greg was saying. I thought about Greg, wondering what he thought about the whole situation. Since we'd come to Krabi, 2 weeks ago, he had not commented on the sleeping arrangements, which were the same as they had been in Bangkok. Sometimes I noticed him looking at us with an odd, half-amused look on his face. He was a strange one, there was no doubt about it. And there was definitely some kind of history between him and Sam, I was sure of it. The little digs at me, sly criticism of Sam...I was starting to really notice it, and was getting pissed off. Thankfully it was his last night.
Luckily though, we hadn't seen much of him for a few days. He'd been off climbing, boasting to us about a beautiful hidden lagoon he and the other climbers had found, only accessible to those with climbing ability, stamina and the right footwear. Since I had none of the above, I contented myself with eating my way through the menus at the fish restaurants, getting a hell of a good suntan and, of course, indulging in hot sex with Sam, the best form of exercise in my opinion. One memorable day, while Greg was scaling some rock or other, Sam and I hired a jetski. After ten minutes of heady speeding and crashing across the water, shouting and whooping, we were soaked, pumped full of adrenaline and breathless. I was horny as hell after clinging to Sam's back, my cock grinding into his arse through the wet fabric of our shorts. He brought the jetski to a halt in a patch of shallow water behind one of the tiny islands that jutted up near the beach, panting.
Sam made to get off, but I held him tight. "Don't move" I whispered, glancing round quickly, making sure no one could see us from the beach. I slid my arms around him, kissing his neck as my fingertips found his hot little nipples. He leaned into me and groaned softly as they hardened...and they weren't the only things that were hard. My cock was nearly burning its way out of my shorts, and as I slid my hand down Sam's firm stomach, I found his was sprouting out of his waistband, oozing all over his skin. Pulling it free, I massaged it slowly, up and down, nipping at his neck as he sighed and squirmed.
It was awkward with his legs spread , straddling the jetski, I couldn't get his shorts down far enough. "Take them off" I mumbled in his ear.
"Someone might see" he whispered, gasping as I speeded up the handjob I was giving him. I ground my hardon against his arse again as he leaned forward to allow me better access. "Someone might see what," I muttered recklessly, and obediently he pulled them off and re-straddled the jetski.
"See?" I said in his ear, giving it a quick lick and marvelling at how his skin broke out in goosbumps at the touch of my tongue. "Your t-shirt covers just about everything." I freed my cock and balls, and slid in as far as I could, my stiff prick slipping easily up and down his crack, leaking and lubricating. The head came to rest against the tight little hole, and I kept it there, nudging and pushing against him, longing to plunge it right in. He groaned. "Oh god, I want you to fuck me" he moaned softly, "but I didn't think we'd need a condom hiring a jetski."
I grinned and fished in my pocket. "I wasn't a boy scout for nothing" I murmured, getting the rubber on in record time. He leaned forward and pushed his ass up as far as he could as my cock sank inside him, lubricated from all the precum I'd been leaking. For a second, I held the position, thinking I was going to die from arousal, staring down at the joining of our bodies, his perfectly formed ass just waiting to be fucked. Holding him tight, I began to thrust inside him as he wiggled around, trying to find the perfect position.... "Oh god, that's the spot...ah!" he groaned, as I fucked him harder and harder, totally turned on by the fact that we were out in the open fucking like dogs, the feel of his silky smooth butt cheeks under the palms of my hand, the sound of his hand beating up and down, his harsh breathing as suddenly, he came, his inner muscles clamping down on my cock in spasms which sent me over the edge. It must have been one of the quickest fucks in history but certainly not one of the worst. I held on to him, resting my head against his neck as I dumped my load inside him, shuddering and groaning. As I slid out of his body, I held onto him, not wanting to let go.
He turned to face me, his face red. He pulled me in for a hot, sweet kiss, released me and sighed. " I never imagined it would be this good with a guy" he whispered. I winked. "You ain't seen nothin yet" I said, throwing his shorts at him. "Fuck this outdoor activity shit, let's get back to bed."
Even though we had only known each other for a short time, if felt as if we'd been boyfriends for ages. And yet, when I was lying beside him at night, watching him sleep, I realised how much more I wanted to know about him, wondered what he wasn't telling me. I guessed he was bisexual rather than gay, because I caught him eyeing up some of the topless girls. Takes one to know one, they say... I only noticed because they were the same girls I was eyeing up too. The boy had taste.
And then there was Greg. Every time Greg made a snide remark, Sam would bite his tongue and look away. What kind of a hold did Greg have over him?. He was basically like a doormat that Greg wiped his feet on. I itched to pry, but managed to hold my tongue, not wanting to spoil the magic. Gorgeous man, exotic location... the stuff of fantasy, really. I could scarcely believe it was happening. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered when it would all fall apart. These things always do.
Then there were moments when Sam seemed to be dying to talk to me, blushing and anxious, and his eyes darting about, settling again and again on the scars on my wrists. Always an awkward bastard, I like to make people ask rather than volunteer any information about them. I figured he would crack before long.
Putting all thoughts to the back of my mind, I re-entered reality and went over to join Sam and Greg. We headed towards soft music floating out from a secluded bar hidden behind palm trees and bright, flowering climbing plants . Dim lights went on, casting faint shadows over the pale sand as the sun sank below the horizon. Perfect. Only two other people were there, a couple sitting in the corner with some garish cocktails, served in pineapples, decorated with orange segments and sparklers. After sitting down on a luxurious Turkish carpet and lolling against some cushions, we ordered some beers. I was eyeing the pineapple cocktails, but remembered the last time I had something like that and ended up with a burnt nostril from a wayward sparkler.
Sam and I started talking about the delights of Thai curries, and their unfortunate aftermath, when Greg turned to Sam and stopped the conversation spectacularly. "I see you've finally found someone to pry you out of the closet, then." His voice was harsh. He slugged his drink, and I held my breath, surprised, wondering what was coming next. Maybe he figured because it was his last night, he could say anything. Finally, the nastiness was about to come out, like pus from a festering boil.
"That's none of your business, Greg" said Sam quietly, his face bright red.
"Some fucked up little poof comes along and five minutes later you just hop into bed! I HEARD YOU!!!!" Greg continued, working up a real head of steam as I watched, dispassionately. So he was in love with Sam? "He hasn't even told you his real name!" Greg went on, his voice rising. He turned to me. "So what's your real story, asshole? Feeding Sam a load of bullshit like that! HE'S NOT YOUR TOY TO PLAY WITH!"
The couple with the cocktails were staring at us now, amused. I looked at Greg, saw the vein throbbing angrily in his temple. Oh, but he's your toy though, isn't he, I thought. "Fucked up little poof?" I said, raising an eyebrow in amusement.
"Sitting there with your scarred up wrists telling me you're not fucked in the head!" He laughed visciously.
Irritation made me sit up. "Yeah, you're one to talk about scars" I said. "At least I'm not some sick pervert who creeps around listening at people's doors. What happened then, you're obviously dying to tell, did someone get sick of your perving or what?"
Greg blushed, but smiled triumphantly, as if I had said exactly what he had hoped, and my heart sank when I saw Sam's stricken face. Greg stood up, throwing some money onto the table. "Yeah," he said, staring at Sam, "Why don't you ask loverboy here how I got it! I'm sure you'd be really interested to know what a big man he really is!" And with that, he flounced off.
I was silent for a minute. Greg knew I had lied about my name. How? Then I remembered him watching me write my signature on the hotel register. And Sam had something to do with that nasty scar that ran the length of Greg's face? Surely he hadn't been the one that wielded the knife, or whatever it had been...I looked at him, suddenly unable to ask for fear of what I might hear. Sam was such a sweet, normal guy. Surely not. But he couldn't look at me, and his eyes were suddenly shining with tears, and doubt crawled slowly over my skin, giving me goosepimples despite the warm humidity of the evening.
Eventually I spoke, unable to bear the silence. " Look Sam..."
"Greg's right" he said hollowly. "It's my fault he's got that scar. He was lucky not to lose the eye."
I looked at him dumbly. "What?"
His mouth worked wordlessly for a moment, then he stood up. "I don't want to talk about it" he said in a small voice. Before I could speak, he got up and walked off, and I was left sitting there, my mind a whirl. One minute we had been having a good time, the next...what was Greg's problem? I guessed he was in love with Sam, in some twisted way, but I knew he'd been out to get me from the start. I kicked myself for spinning all those stories on the plane, when I thought I wouldn't see Sam again... What to do? Go after Sam or go and knock seven colours of shite out of Greg? I felt like the latter, but little bloke or not, he would have creamed me in a fight. I've always been useless like that.
Unable to make a decision, I ordered another drink, pondering the situation. Another came, then another... when I hauled myself up to leave, the bill was enormous. I thought about the four travellers I'd yelled at, knowing they'd disapprove of such decadence. Slowly, I made my way back in the dark, cursing myself for not having brought a torch as I fell headlong over the root of an overhanging tree. I stumbled back to the hut covered in leaves and dirt and nearly tripped through the door. The light wasn't on. Not wanting to wake Sam, I lay quietly down, and turned over. The alcohol had made me drowsy, and gratefully, I fell into a deep sleep.
When I woke up, with a stabbing headache and a mouth like a camel's armpit, I noticed Sam wasn't there. Not only that, but his stuff was gone too. Puzzled, I tried Greg's hut, but it was empty. With a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, I went to the reception, dreading what I might hear. My worst fears were confirmed. With a polite smile, the receptionist checked the book. Sam and Greg had checked out together, and gone.
I wandered back to the hut, in a daze, then in a sudden fit of temper pounded the pillow to a pulp. Well, it was kind of pulpy to start with, but at least I felt better, imagining it was Greg's face. And Sam! The bastard. I clutched my head in my hands, screwing my eyes shut and saying through clenched teeth "This doesn't hurt...this doesn't hurt...this DOESN'T HURT! " over and over again like some kind of Buddhist mantra. I tried to remember what real pain felt like, thinking about the day I had broken my ankle getting off a bus. But the embarassment was easier to recall than the pain. Then there was the time I'd had my wisdom teeth out, but all I could remember about that were the "Desperate Dan" taunts at school about my swollen jaw. The night I took a razor and sliced my wrists open, blind drunk and in the depths of despair, sitting by the bath. But all I could remember was how good it had felt when the blood started to flow, as if poison was being released, the pressure in my head easing off as I got into the water. I realised that physical pain was only a fleeting thing, barely recalled. How much worse it was in the heart.
Still, I had survived worse, so I put all thoughts of Sam and his twisted little mate to the back of my mind. There were plenty more Sams in the world, maybe not so nice looking but I wasn't fussy. The energy that had been firing up my body like manic electricity was back, as if I was a battery recharged after a night's sleep. In fact, I thought, I might even have a go at the topless girls. It had been a while since I had succumbed to the pleasures of the female after the last one practically ripped out my heart with her bare hands, all the time telling me it was for my own good. The bitch. Now THAT had hurt.
Strangely, I felt better after thinking about her. We had been together for 4 years, lived together for two. If I had got over being dumped by her after four intense years, then getting over Sam after a mere three weeks would be no big deal, I told myself as I strode down to the beach, accompanied by my journal, fags and a bunch of books from the hotel library. Jackie Collins, always good for a laugh. Shame my eyes seemed to be watering so much, it was almost as if my body was acting on its own, feeling the loss and the loneliness that my mind denied.
The topless girls I'd been eyeing up turned out to be a lesbian couple called Alice and Jessica, from England. Alice was willowy and blonde, with a supermodel's figure, almost as tall as me. But it was Jessica who I'd initially been interested in. Small, with short dark hair, dark eyes, and a wicked laugh. And nice tits, of course.
"It's nice to meet people when you're travelling," Alice said, pulling strands of hair out of her eyes and tucking them into her ponytail. "A lot of the time, though, people find out we're a couple and it's like "see ya!" cos they feel awkward. Or else it's straight guys hanging around wanting a show. Pricks."
"You do get tired of the same person's company, though, " Jessica said, nudging Alice in the ribs. "Another year of this and we'll have to think about a pre-nup." They giggled. Their intimacy was casual, but it tugged at my heart.
They were nurses, on their way to Australia for a working holiday. It sounded fabulous, all their stories about the places they'd been so far, and what they were going to do once they got to Sydney. I wondered if they would ever run into Sam in some gay bar or other. Now that the bastard had used me to "come out" to his twatty little friend. Then I remembered he lived in London, and that I had never even found out what his job really was. What a pair of liars we had been.
"So what are your plans?" Jessica asked, rubbing suntan lotion into her legs. God, she was sexy. I looked away, distracted. I hoped they weren't going to think I was another prick looking for a "show". I thought about her question. "Dunno" I said. "I've kind of done a runner. I didn't really have a plan when I left home. Maybe hang around here for a few days, go to Ko Samui for a bit, maybe Cambodia .I've heard you can fly there from Ko Samui. Haven't thought about it really to be honest."
Jessica raised an eyebrow. "On your own?"
"We thought you were with that big bloke" Alice said casually.
I lifted a handful of soft sand, watching it slide through my fingers. "Yeah, well, he buggered off, didn't he."
"With the shrimpy climber?"
I nodded, feeling a blush rise in my cheeks. Dumped for that. It couldn't get much worse, really.
There was a silence. They looked at each other, then Jessica patted me on the arm. "Well if you want company, you're welcome to hang about with us" she said, smiling. "Alice is such a sunworshipper, it gets kind of boring."
So for the next few days, I sunbathed, played poker with Jessica in the shade and drank a lot, trying to numb the crazy feeling bubbling away deep inside. We were joined by a lone Dutch guy and an Israeli couple who worked for El Al in Bangkok airport. It was a good laugh. In fact, I was the life and soul of the party, an amazing feat since I was close to hysteria most of the time. Life's ridiculous, I thought, shrieking with laughter as we had a pisspoor game of drunken frizbee throwing. No one could catch it, and Jessica wouldn't play without her bikini top, which was something of a disappointment.
Yeah, I thought again as Alice went bounding after the frizbee, blonde hair streaming in the breeze. Life's ridiculous. You get a glimpse of how good it can be then it shits in your face.
All good things must come to an end, and it was soon time for Alice and Jessica to leave. The Israeli couple had already left, only having had a weekend off. I stood at the reception desk as they checked out, silent, feeling strangely subdued. When they had got all their valuables out of the safe, they turned to me. There was an awkward silence.
Then Alice hugged me, smiling. "You've got our email addresses, haven't you? Don't forget us!"
Jessica's hug was tight, and I felt her breasts crush against my chest. "We're going to do our PADI certificates in Ko Samui" she whispered in my ear, giving me a kiss on the cheek. "If he doesn't come back, come and find us."
Waving goodbye, I realised she was right. There was no reason for me to stay there in Krabi. But with no means of contacting Sam, I was reluctant to leave, vaguely and pathetically hoping he'd come back. I spat on the ground in disgust as I walked back to the hut to get my fags. What an idiot I was.
Alice's mention of email reminded me that I really had to get in touch with the people at home, to explain what I had done. So after a shower, I called my mother. She sounded sleepy, and I realised I'd got her out of bed.
"Oh my God!" she cried, when she heard my voice. "Where are you? I thought you were dead!."
I told her everything, leaving out the gory details of the mess with Sam. "So I'm here in Krabi" I finished, knowing it all sounded so lame. "I'm sorry about missing the party."
She was silent for a bit. "Son, I'm seventy two now. I can't take much more of this carry on, you know. I've been worried sick. And you left your tablets in your flat, I saw them when I was looking for you."
"I'm sorry" I said, feeling wretched. "They were making me crazy."
"Sort yourself out and come home" she said firmly. "I don't know what it is this time, and I don't want to know. Your friends aren't too pleased either. Hiring that club cost them a fortune. And Alex..." she paused. " I won't be here forever. If there's anything I want from this life, it's just to know you're on the right path after all these years. Take care of yourself for once. " She took a breath, and I waited expectantly. "Anyway....I'm going back to bed." And with that, she hung up.
I couldn't face the beach again, not alone and certainly not with the Dutch guy, who was a sleazy bore. Back in the hut, in the bed I had shared with Sam, I felt my mood start to sink, like a setting sun. The black depression that has haunted me ever since I was a teenager suddenly hit me like a tidal wave, and I was powerless to stop it . I pulled the pillow over my head and curled into a ball, wishing I was someone else, somewhere else, as lethargy seized me and my limbs turned to lead. Keeping the journal wasn't helping much any more, I hadn't seen this one coming at all. I pulled it towards me, but hadn't the energy to write in it. As the book that held my most intimate memories and secrets slid to the floor, I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, a dark, dreamless sleep that settled on me like a shroud.
I must have been in there for days, drifting in and out of sleep, occasionally dragging myself into the bathroom to drink out of the tap, or eat some of the tasteless biscuits Sam had left. I didn't care if I got a disease from the water, didn't care about anything. I just wanted to sleep, because it was only way I could stop myself from feeling the bone crushing despair that made me feel as if the bed was sucking me down into some dark hell below. I lost all track of time, staring at lizards on the wall, trying not to think about Sam, my failed relationship with my ex, the fact that I was thirty and didn't have a clue what I wanted to do with my life.
Then one day I was shaken out of my slumber by the Thai receptionist, who looked embarassed by my dishevelled appearance. "You need doctor?" he asked, hovering about beside my bed anxiously. Slowly I hauled myself into a sitting position and tried to smile at him. "No, no doctor" I whispered. "I'm fine." I rubbed my face, wondering when the beard had appeared.
He didn't look convinced, but he left me anyway. Shortly afterwards, there was another knock on the door. A waitress, bringing me a sandwich and a bottle of water. Such nice people, the Thais, I thought, getting misty-eyed as I fished around in my wallet to give her a hefty tip.
I ate the sandwich, barely tasting it. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Christ, what an apparition! I looked gaunt and wasted. And the beard! But I was starting to feel a little better. I checked the date on my watch and was shocked to realise I'd been out of it for three whole weeks. How could I have lost so much time?
Unwilling to go out until the facial furniture had been tackled, I rang the front desk to get some more sandwiches as I grabbed my journal and began to write some more, the dizziness passing as my stomach filled. Another night passed. Another beautiful, sunny day. Another knock on the door. Staring at the wall, I willed whoever it was to go away. I didn't want anyone to see me looking so hideous, least of all the hotel's doctor, in case he had me carted off to some Thai loony bin. The knocking persisted for a bit, then I heard footsteps as the person gave up. Sighing, I was drifting off again when I heard a key turn in the door. The light that streamed in blinded me for a second and I squinted, shielding my eyes.
It was a second before I realised who it was. A hallucination, surely. But then he spoke.
" I owe you an explanation" Sam said, his muscular frame silhouetted against the sunshine, leaning against the doorframe as if he hadn't a care in the world.