A Different Fear 3

A Different Fear

Disclaimer!

This work of fiction belongs to the author, Evago Rush and may not be used without his permission. It is a work of fiction produced for fun and pleasure. I hope you enjoy it.

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~Evago evagoxrush@gmail.com

Chapter 3
Taking The Fall-by Jase

I have no clue how other people fall in love. And looking back I can see that it wasn't love at first sight with Ty, but then again, wasn't it? The exact moment I knew, I mean, knew without a doubt that he was the one for me, was by the end of the first song I ever heard him sing. The summer sun was bright, and he was wearing this black button up shirt. It draped on him, clinging to his shoulders and back, and the sexy taut body beneath rippled and moved. Oh, I was already hot for him, had been hard for two weeks. I mean, I had fucking gone to the health department for condoms and an hiv test. His uncle introduced him, and he stepped out across the stage, inhaling as the music built, and BAM! He started to sing, and I felt my mouth drop open. I felt it. I mean, that idea that people's mouths hang open in shock, how fucking retarded is that? Well, it happens.

The music washed over the crowd, it was up beat, fast. And it lashed through his body like whipcord. He arched his back, the rhythm traveling from the toes of his...fuck those cowboy boots look seriously hot on him...to his neck, and he stops and sways his way across the stage. He reaches out to the audience and they start yelling, and whistling. He has them. And he has me. And I feel, unworthy. Where was the shy gay kid who tried to be invisible in the locker room? With so much more courage than I possessed.

* * *

I realized I was gay when on my eleventh birthday. Yeah. How could I possibly know? I just did. I liked girls; my second best friend was Lisa Oleres. She was awesome! Cute and her boobs started early on and other guys try to get all over her. She even showed em to me, and I thought, mmmkay, that's it? So, the weirdest thing is. I didn't freak out. I have a pretty sports orientated family. My dad is the super jock. My mom is the super jocks wife and my sister was a cheerleader. It didn't occur to me that just because I wanted to see my best friend Victor's dick that I couldn't still play soccer.

It also never occurred to me to lie about it. I told Lisa and she was hurt at first. I think cause it was the day after she showed me...well anyway. Then a few weeks later she told me that was good, cause she was tired of all the guys poking her, and staring at her. She started to wear baggy shirts and didn't feel like she could go the Duck Hill to swim in the pool with anyone but Victor and me.

"Victor stares at you though." I argued.

"He stares at you too, and you stare at him. So, it's okay. I think he looks at me to keep you from seeing he is looking at you." How wise could she be?

In the fall, Victor's parents got divorced. Well they separated and it took the whole fucking next two years to get divorced. And I think if Victor isn't still gay, it is because I only made him gay for me. I seduced him and when I think back on it, with all the boyish rationalizations, I took advantage of his situation. He spent the night at my house all the time, and I made sure I was naked in his presence. Puberty hit me sometime that year, and he was a year older. I didn't touch him, or pressure him. He knew I liked him, but he trusted me. We'd been friends for most of our lives. And I had always been there for him.

When other people bullied the chubby kid who'd been held back a grade, I stuck up for him. I made him take the Karate classes with me and by the time he was thirteen and I was 12 he was thinner and tougher. We wrestled, fought and swam our way into another summer. And this time Victor, proud of his tighter abs, and stronger thighs started to get naked in front of me. I would turn around in the pool house and his shorts would slap on the concrete with a sodden thud as he stripped unceremoniously with a grin. Anywhere, he would get naked anywhere now.

We were in the bathroom, brushing our teeth, standing at the sink, and my dick was resting half on the counter. Hard. It was morning and I still had a woody, which until I showered wasn't gonna go down any time soon. He glances over at me, and says "Fuck, dude do you just keep getting bigger?"

"I will if you keep looking at it." Wow, I was born to seduce. He blinked and sure enough, the blood filled me and my cock stretched out and as I stepped back it slapped my stomach. I looked down at him, and smiled. Oh god did I smile; it must have been a predatory smile, because while his dick was definitely responding he took a half step back. "See, they like to be looked at." I shrugged and looked back at his face. He was smiling, sort of embarrassed. "You don't exactly have a shrimp dick, Vic."

He grinned and spit in the sink, and I stared at the line of his ass for a long moment. Then I turned and got in the shower, positive I was gonna touch him by tomorrow. And I did-or more accurately he touched me. There we were stripping for bed and as soon as I was naked his eyes locked on my cock and it leapt to life. He looked up at me, "I am not a fag." He frowned.

"So? Not like we are going to be fucking chicks anytime soon. But dude, I never have touched you have I?" I reassured him.

"Yeah, but..."

"But what?"

"I am just ...can I touch it?" Well, fucking no shit!

Oh god, I was smiling, I had to be. I stalked over to him, "Any fucking time you want." I took his hand and wrapped it around my cock and his face turned beet red, but he didn't pull away. His boxers were damp, so he was leaking pre-cum all over the place.
"Me too." I said. And he let me. He let me stuff my hand down his shorts, kind of roughly and grab his dick. He jerked in my hands and made a sound. With one hand I stroked him and the other I put over his on my cock. He got sucked in. Must have been a short circuit in his brain because he came there, in my hands right after I did. I held it, stroked it, and made him come so hard he was shaking and his teeth chattered.

But it was when he tried to run to the bathroom that I did my best work. I held him, calmed him. "S'ok, dude.. Yer not a fag. We play with our own dicks...what's the diff?

We did that for about two weeks. Just pretending it was a mutual thing, felt better is all. Easier to jack off someone else, the angle was better. Soon, he started to really need it. He came over early and changed early. Followed me into the bathroom. I was twelve going on thirteen, and I shoved the blankets back from the bed at about 1am, he'd been rubbing himself on my leg and I took his dick in my mouth and he hissed my name but didn't stop me. I started to talk dirty to him then, and pretty soon he was blowing me before I did him. He was a natural; he swallowed me down and got off on it.

For six months we sucked, jacked, rubbed and licked our way through a youthful relationship. He was always there. I never turned him away. He clung, like I was his lifeline while his family crashed so hard. Six weeks after my 13th birthday, he was fourteen now, his mom announced she was taking the kids and moving back to Ohio near her parents. He let me fuck him that night. And pretty much every few days until he left. He begged me for it. Oh, I had already petted and fingered him pretty good. But this, he asked me for it. How my dad never knew we were actually having sex is a testament to the fucking coke he was snorting. He was so wasted, I didn't realize til my mom kicked him out and remortgaged the house when I was fifteen what a drug addict my dad was. My sister was pretty fucked up too. She was the closet whore. Fucking every guy on the football team. What a goddamn waste.

Family counseling saved us. Laura Yeller. She rocks. Does Yoga and Meditation at the school and has been a guardian angel of my gay ness. Why announce it to the world? Wait til I have a reason. That was her answer to my dilemma. I didn't want my mom to suffer, to worry. I didn't have another guy in my life. Oh what a load of shit, the truth was and is I am a coward. My friend Sanje knew, and so did some other kids-well they suspected, after all, Vic had a hard time keeping his hands off of me. But, when I went out with my step cousin, Elliot, I finally had someone I could talk to. He was in my life for about six months, and we were really too much alike. I wouldn't let him fuck me, and he was the same. But we sucked each other off in every way imaginable and it was good. He was nineteen and I was sixteen and I didn't get pissed at him til he tried to take my picture. I broke his nose.

Then high school took over. Between the team and Sanje's never-ending string of botched relationships with girls I was supposed to be banging there just never was any time.. Oh, I was in sports. I saw hot naked bodies all the time. I have a pretty good-sized dick, and if I am warm even flaccid I am hefty, so I really don't think a half hardon anyone ever noticed. I became a master of ignoring it, as if it wasn't happening. Until the day Ty transferred in. He stood there, his eyes locked somewhere on the wall, his back to me, stripping down to his boxers. And my brain left my body. I was in my shorts and standing with my locker door open. Thank god. Because his soft gray boxer briefs cupped his tight ass, and the small of his back has this hot little indentation. He was beautiful and I wanted him.

I never dated, but I was seen with girls. I am the captain of the soccer team. No, it isn't football but I was more dangerous than the football jocks and for a girl to be seen with me, the world would think, know, I was fucking her. And apparently, I didn't kiss and tell. Unlike Sanje, whose ass I had to beat the second time some girl came crying to me over his bad mouthing.

We talked maybe three times about me being gay. Once, when I explained that I liked guys, when I was thirteen and Vic left, and he was afraid I would come on to him.

"Yer not my type."

"Fuck...whaddya mean? I am not good lookin!?"

"Dude, yeah I suppose. But it's not that. Just, not my type. We are buds, that's it. K?" Jesus, fucking moron.

"People are gonna think we are fucking, if we hang out." He moaned. But he had just moved here like four months ago, living next door. In fact, I think he saw me fuck Victor once in the recroom. I swear he did. But, he never said a thing. He started having sex with girls about a month later and I wondered what he learned from me. I soothed Vic, talked to him during sex, made him feel good about himself and his body and made him beg for my cock. I was fucking thirteen and I was already dominant.

"No one really wants to think I am gay, San. It's not like there is gonna be anyone in my life for awhile. Gay boys don't grow on fucking trees."

"Still you tell me before you come out of the cupboard, or closet or whatever the fuck."

"Yeah sure."

And then we had another discussion. One where I explained that I wasn't gonna put up with gay bashing jokes. I am gay I reminded him, we were sixteen now. And he felt terrible. Years had gone by, no one knew I was gay. I think he just didn't want to remember it most of the time.

So, there I was, with my dick in control of my brain and Ty wouldn't look at me. Plus, I saw it. The haunted look when he thought no one was looking. I watched him do that fucking mask thing he does. He changes his expression and holds it. Like a mask. You bore me. Oh he was gay, and everyone knew it. But it was just common knowledge, not some way he moved or spoke. He was not short exactly, maybe a little. But his body was ripped, and he was in great shape. But I saw the red scar on his calf the first day, and it was a fucking near thing, my coming out, when San told me more of the story. The scar was from the Dean of Students at a nearby school, she had beat him with something.

It was the next day that Sanje just had to buy a pack of smokes and we were seen. I tried to separate from San, but make sure we both made it back, and it was fucking asinine for me to run in ahead of Ty. I knew the instant the teacher saw us, I was caught and they assumed Ty had been there, not San. I wanted to warn him. I grabbed my clothes and started to walk over to him and he jerked like I had scalded him, and looked up at me. Jesus, his eyes. They are soft blue, not bright, but dark. His lashes brushed his cheek, and he looked, tender. Oh fuck, I am so sorry, Ty. I thought and he looked at me again and blinked as if trying to understand.

The next few minutes were a nightmare. I saw the fear in him. It consumed him. He was shaking with it. Almost imperceptibly. His lips parted and perversely, I realized what a sexy mouth he had. I felt like the worst kind of an asshole for putting him in this situation and I had to make it better. He grew paler, and wasn't breathing. I made him follow me in, I tried to sound reassuring. His eyes held mine and he came in. I wasn't touching him, but I could feel the tether, and I pulled. It'll be okay, man, I am here. I thought. Breathe, Ty. Breathe baby, I am here.

Coach yelled. And cursed. And was the complete fuck up that he is. And Ty covered for San. The courage in him was colossal. The bravest thing I have ever seen anyone do is face their own fear. He never hesitated. In all that fear he just admitted he had been to the store and yet, his eyes never left mine. He spoke clearly, but he was in another world. With me, and I held him there. We didn't touch, but he let himself be mine for that moment. And I thought of him as mine every minute after.

And I didn't put up with those fucking masks of his. That afternoon I was trying to apologize, because yeah, I felt like shit and I really wanted him to know. He does that thing with his eyes, half closes them and looks off in the distance like he is saying `whatever dude, get it over with, I got better shit to do.' As bad as I felt, I knew it was an act, and he didn't need to do that with me. So, I touched him. I let my leg bump his shoulder, and I bounced a little as I crouched. I didn't mean for him to look at my cock, but he did. And fuck, I was gone. I was after him, and not going to stop until I had him spread out under me. He looked up at me, those blue eyes wide and wary and hungry, and I smiled. Just a smile. It's okay. The mask was gone, and Ty was thinking about me as a man. Awesome. I felt ten feet tall. He makes me high with his looks. He has this perfect mouth, and man, I want to take it. Every way imaginable.

It took me til the third detention to realize he didn't get it. He just didn't see me as a possibility. It was apparent that he was afraid of how I made him feel. He didn't pull away from me when I got close, but he fucking jumped a mile sometimes. You know what I kept imagining? I kept thinking I could just grab him, in a dark hall somewhere and press myself up against him, press him into a wall breathe against his throat, in his ear until he relaxes and then tell him how hot he is, and I am not messing with him. Tell him, I am gay and I want you and I won't hurt you.

But, I had talked Laura Yeller into taking over detention after she cornered me. She'd found out about my detention and concerned I was really having problems I spilled my guts about Ty. How I was scared for him. How I had fucked up. And she smiled. This knowing smile, a scary thing. Which is why she left us alone that day. God, how the other guys didn't notice I was seducing him is a testament to how blind the fucking world is. He was freaking out a little, okay a lot. But he was aroused too. And I made damn sure he knew I was too.

So, when we stand up to go, Laura is practically chasing the other kids away, and I wonder dimly if it might be illegal, her facilitation? Ha. Yeah. That's fucking hysterical. But then he gets up and the sound he makes is actual pain. What the hell? I look down and realize he is hurting, his leg. Oh shit. Ty, baby.

Laura gets all concerned, and a worried look in her eyes, but something must have passed between Ty and I because she relaxed and let me take care of him. So did he. There is the miracle, he didn't resist when I pushed him down. Didn't stop my hands when I shoved them under the hem of his pants and touched him. He shook a little and made a soft sound, a sound that was like a bolt of lightening to my dick. He covered his eyes with his arm as I pet him. Yeah I was massaging, but in my mind, and I think in his, I was petting him.

I talked a little, just trying to get him to relax, because I did really want the pain to stop. And suddenly he exhales and his other leg drops and he is sprawled out before me. His sexy body taut and aroused, he is stretching under my touch. Mine. Do you know you are mine? "See Ty," I say, because I want him to understand, "I am not going to hurt you." He gets it doesn't he?

But he is startled and he starts to sit up, tugging on his leg, and says in this uneasy voice, soft and beautiful, "What are you doing Jase?" His shoulders sag a little, and then I wrap my hand around his ankle, anchoring him to me.

I don't want him to be uneasy. Or to misunderstand and I start to say it, then his eyes are there, and I realize I have to be really clear. I put my hand on his chest and surge up on my knees, one between his legs and the other on the side of his hip I lean over him, hip to hip, chest to chest, "Trying to show you I am interested, without freaking you out." God, he arcs under me, like a flash of feeling washed over him. I touch my mouth to his cheek, and the response I get is fear, but not. I realize and tell him, he isn't afraid of me for the reasons I thought. Which he just insists it is fear.

This is sexual fear, and I tell him so, right before I kiss him. His mouth parts for mine, and he makes that soft sound of need and I fucking love his mouth. I can't get enough of it. I taste him, licking him, rubbing my mouth against his and feeling like I could kiss him and come.

But a sound behind us makes it apparent we are about to be interrupted and he looks at me with horror on his face, and I realize he is afraid for me. Ah, baby. I am not sure what I said, but it was something like, I don't care. I don't care what people see, because this time, I have a reason not to care. But, he is a victim of people's unending cruelty and I do not push it. I touch his mouth softly with my thumb and step away and he sways. Jesus, can I just carry you out of here, I think.

But I know it is San. And I love him, you understand. He is my best friend. And well, he might get uptight if I don't tell him soon. So, he sees me step away from Ty and he asks me on the stairs, "You fucking him?" I punch him in the arm.

"Don't." I said.

"Just, why now, of all times? Why all of a sudden?"

"Sudden? Jesus, San. I am gay." Lots of people could have been there, but no one was.

"Stop it!" He hissed, "Shit, Jase, it's the end of the school year."

And I know now, he isn't ready for the world to crash in on him. He is my friend and if I am suddenly openly gay before the end of the year, between that and his mom's arrest for drunk driving, he could easily fuck up his life. "I will keep it down til the end of the year. But, if anything happens to him, I am not gonna sit back San. I am totally into this guy."

By graduation he was feeling guilty. I dunno, he must of seen it on my face. I was in lust, love, and totally into Ty even when he wasn't around. If people weren't blind, they would have noticed a change in me. San did, and he felt bad.

"You should tell the guys." He meant our group of friends.. A couple of my friends might get a little hostile, but...I honestly just expected them to basically get a little pissed, uncomfortable and then...fade away. Cept Sanje. I didn't expect what happened. I think I have San, and Darius and Becky, San's ex-girlfriend to thank for it. But, I was shocked that Sanje suggested it.

"Tell them?" I looked at him blankly. "Like what, call em on the phone and say, Dude, Im gay I think you should know?"

"We are going to Darius' beach house after graduation remember. Just the six of us, maybe Becky. "She was the only girl in anyone's life who had stayed in the circle of friends. She could drink anyone under the table. She never tried to sleep with any of us after San, and I am not sure but might even be a lesbian. Honestly, I didn't really pay attention. "An' you should tell them. Before summer, before we all leave for school."

"You sure?" I asked, because they were gonna look from me to him. Gonna wonder.

"I am not gay, I know it, and if the fuckers can't see that they are even more blind than they were...about you. Shit, dude, you never dated. Ever. I prolly fucked at least 2 girls a year who were after you, but couldn't get you to even respond to them." He bragged, and was amused by it. Which, I am a guy, and I laughed. IT was funny. "I have you to thank for my sex life, in so many ways." Yeah he had seen me fuck Victor and it turned me on in a perverse way, that I had taught him how to be a good lover, "But not now, now I don't have a girl, and school is ending and I should be there for ya man. So, I'll talk to Beck before hand. And we tell them."

"Why are you doing this?" I wondered aloud. I knew he was trying to support me, but he seemed pretty set on doing something very profound about it. I was coming "OUT." And not casually. It was a moment. It was going to be an event. We would all be half drunk, and he wanted me to announce it. Was he unsure if I was really gay? "I really am gay, San. I don't need a party to make it official."

"Yeah you do." He answered stubbornly. "You know, I see how you look when you talk about him. I saw the way you watched him in PE all week. Like a fucking barbarian. You tell me we are going to the fair, not the carnival, but the fair and see the bands play. I look in the paper and see an article about this band, Castles, and there it is, a pretty fucking cool picture of Tyler Castle. His sister is hot by the way." And then he puts his arm around my shoulder, "And he is the gay guy in high school. The one people whisper about because he got worked over by some -"

"Fuck, don't! I can't handle talking about that." I yelled. He jumped. Shit, I was shaking.

"Oh, okay, easy dude. Yeah, ok. There was this article; I will get it for ya. But anyway, we are going there, with the guys. I know you. You think you can act all cool and just watch that guy on stage? And be the same Jase? No. In fact, I should warn him. Cause there is a fucking good chance you are going to jump up there and haul him off if things don't go well."

"He is good at what he does." I didn't really know, but he had a nice car and nice clothes and I had been having hot phone sex with him for the past two days and he pretty much had a voice that could seduce the pope.

"Or maybe if it does go well." He laughed.

"She is his cousin."

"What?"

"The guy is his uncle, his mom is dead and he lives with his uncle..the girl in the picture-can I see it?-is his cousin, Jade."

"She is like twenty or something isn't she?" He shakes his head and the pussy hound that he is is wondering if he can get with her and it makes me grin, "So, tomorrow after graduation. If you don't fuck it up and jump the guy in your purple gown."

"Jesus, no kidding." I agree and he blinks at me.

"Been a long time?" He finally asks, because he is just fucking dieing to know. Okay, I don't think he is interested in having gay sex himself, but there is something there, some vicarious thrill in knowing about my sex life. Probably a hold over from 6 years ago, when I had Vic all spread out on the pool table at my house.

"I am not completely without my options. But since Vic left, no. Nothing serious." Yep there it was the blush. "Got a show didn't you? Wonder why you never said anything."

"Shit!" He really got all red now and I was fucking laughing my ass off. Oh my god. He had watched, and I really wanted to know how long. Did he see the part where I talked him into laying on the table, in the light, not in the dark. No one was going to see us, just me, making you feel good Vic.

Poor Sanje. "Sok, dude. No big deal." I shrugged.

"It was too!" He yelled, "I thought shit! Is that Vic? And even when I realized it was I should ran the other way. But fuck, dude, you are a stud and I was like a virgin and you had it all under control. I wanted to be like you. Sort of."

"Well you figured it out apparently. Dude, didn't bother me at all. Would now, but then, I was cocky and in my element. In my...hell, I feel kind of bad. I totally owned Victor. He had no one, and I used him. Pretty ruthlessly."

"You said it. He had no one. But he had you. You made him feel good."

"Yeah but was he gay or did needing love make him think he was? I haven't been able to contact him, worrying about if I messed him up. IT was good. But I didn't love him." I kicked my shoes off, it was getting later, and I needed to call Ty. Like now. I needed him. "It isn't just sex with Ty though," I warned San, "In fact, it is way more than that. I can't mess this up, San."

I had two beers and a rum and coke, and we were all sitting, you know, playing Halo, bsing, and Sanje looks over at me. The music was too loud so he turns it down and Beck sits on the sofa arm next to me. Like saying, it's ok, really. Fuck, was I scared? Hell yea. I don't want a confrontation?

Nate, Rick, Teddy, Darius Sanje, Me and Becky. It seemed like a ton of people. Legs and arms and bodies sprawled all over Darius' beach house. A fire outside, the door open, the sky was clear and you could hear the waves. The air coming in the door was almost cold, the sound isn't exactly warm water, and at night it cools off pretty fast.

"What the fuck, turn it back up," Rick says, and doesn't take his eyes off the game.

Sanje shakes his head, and reaches over and turns off the X-box. Oh great, piss em off San. "Fuck you, Rick. I gotta say something." Huh? I thought I was coming out. "Dudes, I want you to know that I wouldn't of graduated cept for Jase kicking my ass several times a year and it means a lot to me. We fucking did it. All of us." We were pretty good kids. None of us really partied, I was drunk on two bears and one rum and coke, and none of us did drugs of any kind. Sanje was the wildest of us, and he was right it took all of us to keep him from fucking up his life. "He needs to say somethin', and I will fucking kill yall if you don't listen." There it was the holdover from his old life in Texas. Ya'll.

"What the fuck," Rick glowers and looks over at me. "I'll kick your ass if you start goin' off on old times and shit and try to reminisce. I fucking will."

Darius laughed, and grabbed his side, he was laughing really hard. So, hard I thought he was going to hurt himself. Weird. He looked at me, and the look said, well fuck, took you long enough.

"I..." Where were the words? "You know, we've all been friends more than a couple of years. It's been good. I'll miss you Rick and Teddy, when yall go out east to school. The rest of us were staying in Washington. But I just, you know, it didn't matter before. It never really came up.." Jesus Christ.

"Dude, what the fucks the matter with you?" Teddy said shaking his head, "Not like we don't have email, and we still have all summer!"

"I'm gay." I shrugged at him.

They laughed, and Rick says, "Right, dude. Seriously, what's on yer mind."

"Seriously. I Am Gay." He blinks at me. And I see in his eyes, the story, that he has told himself about me. And Teddy chokes. Saying something, like "no fucking way."

"No shit." Darius says, and voices what I knew he was thinking, god why didn't I ever get closer to him? "Took you long enough to admit it. Why didn't you just wait a couple more weeks and then it would never have had to come up though?" He shoved Ted out of the way and sat down beside me. This was his support. He was showing them that he accepted me. Darius, he was a leader.

Nate was slow. "No fucking way, dude. You are serious." His mouth worked and his eyes bugged out. "I see you with girls..." He denied.

"Do you? No. You don't. I am gay. Listen, there aren't any girls. Never have been. But there have been a couple of guys. You met Elliot and I am sure you recall Vic." I made eye contact with Rick whose face was red. But he didn't lose it. None of them did. They just stared at me. For a long time, then finally Nate looked from me to Sanje.

"I am not gay, dude, and don't even go there you mother fucker." He scowled back and Nate blinked. "Jase is my friend. I don't give a shit who he fucks-er sorry Jase."

"Well, shit there is a guy then isn't there?" Darius is still on his track. "Your telling us now cause there is. ...Tyler Castle." He grins. "That's why we are all going to the fair."

"Tyler Castle?" Teddy stands up, sort of nervously, "The dude who got beat by the dean of students in Sheq? They said she went religious fanatic on him and tried to whip the gay out of his ---" Something happened in me. I surged to my feet and Teddy yelped as I lifted him by his shoulders and Darius barely had me restrained, I would have thrown Teddy through the plate glass window. Teddy surprised me by his cool he just shut up. He didn't fight back, and Darius separated us.

"FUCK, dude, calm the hell down!" He yelled and behind him everyone was sort of freaking out, cussing and it was a panicky moment. "He wasn't condoning it, Jase. Just thinking out loud. Chill, man."

I barely made it outside before I puked my guts out. I sobbed and threw up. I was shaking, crushed. I HATED that I had not been able to protect Tyler. But I was also sick with fear. I was gay. For real now. How did I ever think that it would be more about them than me. More about how they were going to deal with it? In their defense only Nate took off. The rest of them waited for San and Darius to take care of me. I cried my fucking heart out. I was so scared. San cried too, "You fucking tell anyone, an' I'll kill ya!" He promised everyone and no one in particular.

They were my friends, and as straight as they are, they got over it pretty quick. But I am not so sure about Darius now. Weird, huh. He saw it in me, but I never saw it in him. But the evening wound down kind of early and Darius was the sober one among us, I couldn't sleep there this time. I saw it in their faces, well in Rick's in particular. He was a little weird about sharing a room, a bathroom with me right now. Was I looking at his cock? The answer is no, Rick just isn't my type. He is stocky and kind of hairy and I know that isn't what I think is attractive. And as we had known each other since the time of Vic, I recall with alarming clarity how he had been jealous of how close Vic and I had been. He was a third and when San started coming around been even less.

I needed Ty, needed to hear his voice. Again. Always.

His voice did me in. He sang to me in the summer sun and I knew I was in love. My knees were jelly and I told San I wasn't going to the carnival and I made my way back stage, and the guy at the gate took my name, returning to let me in. I had a goal. I needed to get to him. Go somewhere --anywhere.

He was loading a case into a truck and I came up behind him, putting my arms around him and I kissed his neck. He shivered and heads turned but he didn't resist. "Let's go." I said quietly. We weren't alone but we might as well have been, he twisted in my arms, and buried his face against my throat. Yeah baby. We stood there a long time, and Jade walked over.

"The van's loaded, why don't you guys take it home, we can ride in the truck." Thank you Jade, angel of true love. She handed me the keys. Just like that, "He can't drive like this." She said and I looked at him, he was crying. Well fuck. I drug him to the van and he was shaking.

"Get in, Ty." I said calmly. He like needed that from me. When he lost it, I just held on and in some ways it was like San. I just was the strength he needed. But with Ty, it turned me on. It would be like that when we had sex.