A Confusing Life: Episode One
A Confusing Life
Episode One
by Cameron McGinn
DISCLAIMER: If you are offended by signs of love between two people of the same gender, or you are under the legal age to view a page with content of this type, or it is illegal to acknowledge this sort of thing, I seriously suggest that you leave this page immediately or else you may not like what you read. You have been warned. I will not take any responsibility for anything that happens as a result of reading this story.
ALL names used in this story are from people who are in my life. The actual characters on the other hand are fictitious. The only one based on reality is the character based on myself. If any of my friends happen to stumble upon this, I apologize for what you may discover here.
I walked slowly into the rest room of my school. I made sure that no-one was in there before I entered a stall and closed the door. I reached into my back pack and pulled out my father's gun. The one i wasn't supposed to know about. I knew that this was the only way out. I wouldn't be able to survive knowing that I was not loved, that no-one cared about me. I held it for a while while I contemplated what would happen if I just ended it all right now. Life would go on, I wouldn't be missed. People would soon forget me. I would be out of my misery. I sobbed as I slowly pulled the gun towards my mouth, trying to delay the end that I knew had to come in the next few minutes.
"Cameron!" I heard my only friend, Ben yell out as he burst into the bathroom. From the tone of his voice, he knew what I was thinking about doing. he got to my stall and stopped. "Cameron, don't do it. You aren't as hated as you think you are." I sat where I was wishing he'd just go away when I heard some commotion outside.
"He hasn't done anything yet, has he?" asked my year advisor as she entered our empty toilet block.
"No. I think he was about to when I came in."
"Cameron, do you want to talk about it?" Mrs. Barrett asked with genuine concern in her voice.
"Not with anyone else around."
I heard the door close as Ben reluctantly left Mrs. Barrett and I in the rest room. I opened the door and stumbled out with tears in my eyes. She spotted the gun and backed away from a bit. I smiled weakly at her reaction and slowly turned the butt of the gun towards her, offering it to her so that I wouldn't be tempted to hurt myself with it. She took it from me and I broke down. I fell into a heap on the bathroom floor.
Mrs. Barret walked over to me and helped me sit up. She sat cross legged right in front of me. That's one thing about good old "Barry", as we affectionately call her, she doesn't think of herself as better than us. She considers us as people. That's why she's so easy to talk to.
Looking at her sitting like that, I found it hard not to tell her about how I felt. I told her how I found myself attracted to other guys, about how I always thought about seeing them naked. I told her that I sometimes thought about what it would be like to hold another guy and to make love to him. Like I said, you can tell Mrs. Barrett anything and not once during my speech did she look as though she were disgusted by what I was saying. but I also knew that teachers had to not show preference to anybody or prejudice to anyone. I wept the entire time that I wa talking to her, still sitting on the floor of the school's boy's toilets.
"Are you absolutely sure that you don't feel anything for girls?" Mrs. Barrett asked when I'd finished speaking.
I nodded. "I know you probably think that it's sick. Everyone else does. I was just going to do the world a favor and get rid of one fag that doesn't belong."
Mrs. Barrett looked horrified as I said that. "Who told you that you don't belong?" she had an angry tone to her voice, but I couldn't tell if it was at me or someone else.
"Just some people. I overheard them talking about what they'd do if a fag ever hit on 'em. They said that it was sick and all fags should be killed." I wasn't going to tell her who it was that had told me that, and thankfully she didn't ask. I noticed she was about to ask me something, but I cut in on her.
"So I thought I'd save them the trouble. It's ok, I'm sure you don't want a pansy in your year, do you?"
"Why would you think that? My son's gay, and I don't hate him." I looked at her stunned and could tell that she wasn't lying. I never realized that there were any others like me out there. I really thought I was the only one.
"Would you like to meet him and talk to him about it? He's a little younger than you, but he knows a lot more about it than I do." she offered. I nodded, unable to speak.
"Great. How's this afternoon?" Again, I just nodded. "Ok, just meet me at the staff room after last period." With that she helped me up, took me over to the sink and helped me wash my face. She told me she needed to get back to her office to finish some work and we'd talk later. She took the bullet out of the gun and hid it in her pocket, saying she'd give it back to my parents later. Then i was alone, and I actually felt better. I walked outside and went to find Ben.
Ben seemed to ignore me the rest of the day. I'm not sure why, but when last period came around, I was having trouble concentrating on the class. It was Maths, which I hated anyway, so no-one noticed the difference. The class seemed to drag even more than it did any other time. I got about two questions done on Geometry of a circle the entire time, but my thoughts were elsewhere. Why did "Barry" tell me about her son? Would he hate me like everyone else. Was he unpopular like me? Questions, questions, questions.
When the bell rang for the end of the day, I couldn't get out of the room fast enough. I almost ran to Mrs. Barrett's staff room. I was eager to leave and get away from the staring eyes.
"Hey Cam! Wait up." I heard Ben yelling from down the corridor. I cringed when I saw him. This was the last thing I needed.
"You walking home today?"
"No. 'Barry' is gonna take me somewhere to cheer me up."
"Oh....Ok." Ben looked forlorn as he turned and left the building.
Mrs. Barrett then walked out of her staff room. "You ready, Cameron?" I nodded and we walked to her car.
The trip to her house didn't take very long. Only about ten minutes. She told me that her son had come out to her about a year ago and she now accepts his lifestyle as a part of him.
We got back to her house and we sat waiting in her living room. We didn't have to wait long.
"Mum, I'm home!" I heard a voice yelling from the hallway.
"In here, Zeb." she called back.
He walked in to the living room and my jaw dropped. Standing in front of me was the most gorgeous creature I had ever seen. He was about 5'6", weighs about 55 kg (121lbs) and had the most stunning face I could imagine. He had brown, shoulder length hair, brown eyes, slight build and a confidence about him that I can't describe. He was, in a word: Perfect.
"Hi.... uhhh?" He smiled at me. I couldn't answer, that's how in awe I was of him.
"Cameron." answered Mrs. Barrett when she saw how gob smacked I was.
"Cool name." He smiled at me and I melted before he turned around and walked into the kitchen to get a drink. "You want one, Cam?" He yelled through the door.
"Yeah, thanks." I noticed Mrs. Barrett smiling at me as I stood and followed his gorgeous ass to their kitchen. His ass is perfect. Not too big, not too small, just right for him. And his name. I'd never really liked common names and I'd never heard of someone called Zeb before. I knew right away that I loved him.
We chatted until about 4:30pm when Mrs. Barrett's husband came home from his work. Zeb told me that his father was a boiler maker and didn't know that he was gay. He said that his father would have torn him a new one if he knew about his son, so his mother had decided that they shouldn't tell his dad.
Then I got the real surprise. My mother turned up! She didn't look too thrilled when she glared at me. I knew then that Mrs. Barrett had told her about the gun incident at school. I didn't know what else she said. and I wouldn't find out till we left, which was almost immediately because Mum said she needed to do some shopping before we had guests tonight. She thanked Mrs. Barrett and we left.
We rode all the way to the shopping centre in silence. I knew that I was in deep shit because my mother never sits in the car quietly unless she is fuming. I decided that it would be best to do the same. Let her break the ice, that way I would know what she knew.
We pulled into the parking lot and Mum simply got out the car and left me sitting in the car without a word. I had a feeling that she was too angry to even bother asking me if I wanted to go in with her. I sat in the car thinking about Zeb and how hot he was. I couldn't get him out of my mind. Those eyes, that hair, that ass! Not to mention that basket, which from what I could see was quite well developed. I was still thinking about that when I heard the car door open and Mum got in. I looked over at her and could see that she had been crying. I felt as if something had died inside me as I realized that my attempted suicide was that she was told.
"Why, Cameron? Why?" I couldn't speak. I was too ashamed to admit to my mother that I felt she and Dad had driven me to what I'd tried. When I didn't answer after a minute, she started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. I kept looking at her as she was sobbing uncontrollably. I offered to drive, but she shook her head angrily and I looked back at the road.
We got home and I went straight to my room. After a while I heard a knock at my door. Mum walked in and came and sat down on my bed.
"Mum, I'm sorry. I couldn't handle what was happening in my life at the moment. I....." I couldn't find any justification which would satisfy my mother, so I went quiet.
"So you think killing yourself is going to make it better?" The anguish and hurt was still very obvious. "Don't you realize how selfish that is?" the anguish had turned to anger.
Now it was my turn to be angry. "What you think I did that just to be selfish? You pushed me into it, you and Dad! You were both pressuring me into getting a job, getting a decent mark at school, find a girlfriend and all the other things you want. I don't care about any of that. None of it! I couldn't care less if I become a dole bludger, I don't want to go to University, I'm gay and I don't care about 'happy families' like you do!"
I froze when I realized what I'd just blurted out. I just came out to my mother in a fit of anger. In all the internet pages I'd seen, it said to never come out to someone when you're angry or to hurt them, and from the look on Mum's face, I'd achieved both. I wanted to crawl into a corner and die. I realised that there was no turning back now.
Mum just got up and left my room with a blank look on her face. I didn't feel like chasing her, so I stayed where I was and cried. It wasn't long before I was asleep.
I still managed to have a good dream despite what happened with my Mum. I was at school and Zeb was there. Everyone knew who he was somehow. Anyway, we were walking out in the quad area and people were making fun of me, saying no-one loved me. Zeb came and put his arm around my waist. he whispered in my ear something about liking me, too. I looked at him and he said to me that we should prove them wrong and with that, he turned around so that his back was against my chest and my arms were around his waist. I stuck my hand up his shirt and felt his fantastic stomach. I suddenly had an impulse and I went to put my hand down his shorts. I felt a hand on my wrist, as if to stop me, but I used a bit more force and I felt him up. he suddenly pulled away from me and said that he now needed to go to the toilets and to take care of himself. With that he vanished and people were staring at me. Next thing i knew, Zeb was back, looking very satisfied and said he wished I'd helped him..... It was at that point that I woke up with a flash of dissapointment.
I remember thinking to myself that whatever I had in my hands during that dream felt very real. I figured that Zeb's stomach was the matress pushing against the base of my bed, and I had my hands underneath it. But no matter how hard I try, I can't figure out what I must have had in my hand when I felt his penis and balls.
It was at this point that I realized that my underpants were sticky from the wet dream I had. I smiled to myself thinking it wasnt really a bad wet dream. I got up and headed for the shower. I let the hot water cascade down my body as I cleaned every part that needed cleaning. As I was washing, I couldn't help but feel like an ass after what happened last night. I still wanted to just disappear down the drain like the dirty water that had managed to escape.
I turned the shower off and went back into my room to get changed. After that, I went to the kitchen to fix myself some breakfast. Mum was already there and simply glanced at me before returning tothe dishes she and Dad had managed to pile up at last nights dinner. That's another thing about my mum, she can really eat up a storm when she's upset.
Nothing was said until I stood up to leave for school. I wasn't expecting anything and what Mum said really caught me off guard.
"I love you, Cameron." I turned around, but the look on Mum's face said that she didn't want to discuss anything just yet, she was just telling me that she cared. I nodded and walked out the door. I couldn't help but smile. I mean, she hadn't said anything profound or anything, but she had said something. She didn't hate me. walked int the school gates and went to sit where my group sits. I know I said before that I have only one friend, and that's true. But I do sit in a group of people who talk to me occasionally. We are the outcasts and sometimes we don't even speak to each other, that's how unpopular we are.
I saw Mrs Barrett walk out of the administraton building and walk towards me. I noticed that she had an odd look on her face. I couldn't quite pick it, so I got up and walked over to her.
"Hey, Mrs Barrett." I mumbled.
She looked at me with concern. "What's wrong Cameron?" I think in the back of her mind she knew, but she wanted me to say it.
"I told my mum..." I trailed off as I realized she was holding a piece of paper in her hand. "Whats that?"
"This is for you." she handed it to me. "So, how did she react?"
More to come? Thats up to you.
As I said before, Names are real, characters and events are not. The only thing that actually happened from this story was the dream I had and my reactions to it. I still can't figure out what the hell I was holding during that dream, but I'd love to find out.
Anyway, usual stuff: comments welcome at aussie_wallaby@yahoo.com.au. Flames will be read then discarded, genuine comments will get a reply in time. Please tell me what you thought. I'd hate to think I was writing a total piece of shit that no-one liked.
If you liked this story, visit http://members.xoom.com/camman01/home.htm to see some more stuff done by me.