Disclaimer: This story is entirely fictional and not intended for minors or those judged unable by law to read this material. Any resemblance to actual people is purely coincidental.
The author reserves all rights to this work.
LONDON ROMANCE
PART SEVEN
PHILIP: IS IT REALLY LOVE?
I came out of Will's room feeling very confused. I removed the surgical gown that I was told to wear so that I could go into the room to see Will. I thanked the nurse who took my gown. I went out to the corridor and sat down on a bench. The past fourteen hours have been full of activity and has turned my life in all directions.
When Will and I came out to each other, it was like a dream come true. At last there was someone who knew and accepted who and what I was. What's more, he was gay too, and so was able to understand most of the things I was going through. He, in a sense, became the only true friend that I had. I had many friends but they did not know the whole me. Only Will did.
I'd missed Will during Christmas. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with Emily and her family. I had a good time, but it wasn't complete. My good friend, Will was not part of the Christmas cheer. I knew he'd come back on Boxing Day. I just didn't know when. I'd wanted to call him, but was afraid that I might be interrupting him. So, at about eight, I made my way to Will's flat.
The first shock of the day came when he answered the door. He was pale and looked sick. My first concern was whether he'd need medical attention. He assured me that his condition wasn't serious. I just couldn't leave him alone at home. I insisted that I stay, just in case. He must've been too tired to argue and let me stay. I looked around his kitchen for his medicine and found the letter his doctor left for him in case he needed to go to the hospital suddenly. He took some cold medicine and immediately went to sleep. I found some chicken in his freezer and thawed it. I started to prepare him some chicken soup. He did not wake up for lunch. I felt his forehead. His fever was still there, but it didn't get higher. Maybe I'd over-reacted.
When I looked in on him at about four, his fever had gone higher. I tried to wake him up but couldn't. I shook him really hard and he didn't even stir. I started to be afraid. I consoled myself that he was still breathing. I decided to call for an ambulance. What happened next was a blur of activity. The hospital advised me to get his identification papers together. It was fortunate that he kept all his medical cards and information in the same place. I took all that I thought was needed. Within ten minutes, the ambulance arrived. They checked him and communicated with the hospital. Then they allowed me to go with him in the ambulance.
At the hospital, they took Will into the treatment area. I was not allowed in. Instead, I was asked to go to administration. I spent at least half an hour waiting for my turn before speaking to someone. Then, it was another half an hour waiting as the person made calls and verified the information that I had handed to her. Then, I was escorted to a room where a very personal interview was done. The social worker who interviewed me asked about my relationship with Will. I answered as truthfully as possible.
After getting my particulars, she asked, "Are you gay, Mr. Leung?"
I'd wanted to deny, but I didn't want to get into any complications. "Yes but I haven't been sexually active."
The social worker raised an eyebrow in disbelief, "How do you know that you're gay if you haven't been active?"
"Miss, I'm from Hong Kong and I've been in the closet. No one except Mr. Duncan knows that I'm gay."
"You do know that Mr. Duncan is gay, don't you?"
"Yes. I told him I was after he told me he was."
"And you haven't had any sexual relations with him?"
"Mr. Duncan is my friend. We were friends before I knew he was gay. I guess his admission helped me to tell him about myself. We aren't lovers, we're friends."
"You know that he is HIV positive?"
"Yes. That was why I stayed with him when I found out he was ill. I didn't want to leave him alone."
"You understand that what we're requesting of you isn't because we don't believe you but we need proof of what you say is true. We need you to take the HIV test."
I looked at the social worker. I noticed that she wasn't looking at me. "I've nothing to hide. I'll take the test. If being a virgin in this day and age is impossible in your minds, I'll just have to prove it to you."
She wrote something on a memo pad and folded it in two and gave it to me. She gave me directions to the laboratory that would test me. I took the test and the technician at the laboratory told me that I was negative. He said that I'd to take the test in two months to confirm that I was truly negative.
I wondered if it was my imagination because I sensed that the social worker and technician seemed to be hostile. Was it because I was gay? Why couldn't they believe me? Does being gay mean that I've become a liar? I was brooding over these questions when I reached the emergency room again. I asked for Will and they directed me to another room on the next level. I reached there and saw Will on the bed, still unconscious. I felt frustrated and brooded some more.
I came out of my moodiness when I saw Will stir. Then the nurses and doctors started moving about. One of the doctors started talking to him. I saw a nurse giving him some medicine and then pointed at me. I saw Will give a small smile and then I waved to him. At that moment, my hopes became alive again and I temporarily forgot the treatment I was given earlier.
Will was moved to another room after that. I was told that Will was still weak and couldn't receive any visitors. The frustration that bothered me before came back. I started to argue with the doctor. She finally said that I could see him only if I were to put on the surgical gown, masks and gloves. I was given only ten minutes.
I was in the room for about six to seven minutes when Will awoke. He started to say that he might die because he was afraid that he had full-blown AIDS. I told him not to think negatively. At about that time, the nurse entered and Will asked for five more minutes. The nurse, seeing that Will had awoken, relented. Then Will said something that caused my mind and heart to unsettle. He said that he loved me. I told him to rest so that we could talk later but he said he'd regret it if he didn't tell me how he felt about me. I felt that it was very unfair of him to tell me this. I was frustrated and distressed. Fortunately, the nurse came in to tell us that the five minutes were up.
I ran Will's words over and over in my head. I'd to admit that I liked what I heard but I was still afraid. These were words that I'd never thought I'd hear. When I first met Will, I was drawn to him. I'd wondered for a split second, what it'd be like to make love to him. Almost immediately, I put it out of my head. I was a forty-year old Oriental. I wasn't the pick of the crop. Then when he showed up the second time, I'd already resigned myself to a life of semi-celibacy, fulfilling whatever urges I had with my hands. I was just glad that he was willing to be my friend.
I was happy with my life. I did have my fantasies, though; the actors and singers I'd see on TV were active participants in my daydreams. Once in a while, a customer or a stranger on the street would be the star in my fantasies. I steered away from friends because I was too afraid to lose them. I had difficulty with David, though. He was still developing those muscles of his and he seemed to be very friendly with me. More than once, the actors in the cinema in my mind changed their faces to his. I was always on tenderhooks whenever I went over to Emily's. I made a conscious effort to stick with Richard. David usually stayed for about half an hour before going up to his room to study for his A levels. Only when he'd left to study was I able to relax a little.
With Will, I was very relaxed. There were times when I wondered what he looked like naked. However, he was never present in those mental stories that I churned in my head. I've to admit that I've also come to be very protective of him. After I sought forgiveness for the idiotic way that I'd acted, I became aware that he could easily get sick. Perhaps my doting on him gave him the wrong impression. After all, after he'd come out of his shell, he'd put on some weight and he looked good. He was good looking enough to demand decent-looking young men as boyfriends. I looked at my reflection on the glass of the window and I saw what I'd known all along. I had a very plain face. It was pocked marked because I didn't take care of it when I'd acne when I was a teenager. I'd slit eyes that were small and hardly attractive at all. My cheeks were sagging a little, showing that I was already past my prime. My chin was short and my neck was short. The effect was that my face seemed to merge into my neck when one looked from the front as well as from the side. When I bowed my head to the maximum, when I looked down, it was difficult to see that I had a chin.
I had thin arms and thin legs. My body was barrel shaped and the protruding tummy was very prominent. I'd always admired guys with developed pectoral muscles. My pecs were more like two flat pieces of flesh stuck to the rib cage. If it weren't for the nipples, one'd never guess it was the part of a man's chest. Why did he say he loved me? I'm unattractive!
His words just came back to haunt me more. It made me happy and yet it made me suspicious. In my heart, it was like a dream come true, yet I didn't want to end up with my hopes crushed. What could I do?
I brushed my thoughts aside and remembered a small request that Will had made. I'd write a note and leave it in his flat the next morning before work.
After four days in the hospital, Will was discharged. I was at the restaurant at the time and he called me there.
"Philip, I'm now at home. I have sick leave until after the New Year. I'm in the mood for celebrating. Could you come over to my place after your work?"
"I'll have to wait tables tonight. I'll be very late if I'd come over. You need your rest. You're still on sick leave."
"Please," Will pleaded like a little boy. "I'll wait for you. You can stay the night if you need to."
That put up alert signs in my brain. "Will, I'll be very tired. I'll have a long day tomorrow because the restaurant is fully booked for New Year's Eve. Why don't I take New Year's Day off and spend it with you, instead?" There was a silence at the other end. I grew afraid that I'd offended him. "Will, are you there?"
"Yes," he said quietly. "You're avoiding me, aren't you? What I said in the hospital has turned you away from me, hasn't it?"
"No," I said as convincingly as possible. "Will, remember that I'm in the restaurant business. I'm also a foreign worker here. I can't just decide when I'm going to work and when I'm not. In the restaurant business, we work odd hours. Furthermore with the New Year holidays this weekend, we're busier than usual."
"Yes. I understand. You don't have time for me ..."
My heart softened at those words. He was hurt. He knew the truth. I was trying to avoid being too close to him. I was afraid. Yet, at this moment, I was in danger of turning away the closest friend I had.
"Alright, Will. I'll be at your place. But I warn you, I'm going to be tired and so I'll not be good company."
His voice sounded more cheerful as he answered, "Oh alright! I'll wait for you. I don't think I'll be sleeping when you come in. I've been sleeping all these few days in the hospital!"
As I put down the telephone, I wondered if I had done the right thing. There were so many uncertainties in the decision I made.
Fortunately, there were no mishaps at work, nor at the tables. Whenever I had a chance to pause, the upcoming time I was going to spend with Will came into my mind. The restaurant wasn't very crowded that night, even though it was Friday. It probably was because everyone was gearing up for New Year's Eve the next day. At closing time, I was informed that besides being closed on New Year's Day, the owner had decided to close the restaurant the next day also. I was glad for the extra day off. It would give me time to recuperate from the busy weekend.
I reached Will's place at about midnight. He was still up. He had a big smile when he opened the door.
"Come in Philip, I'm so happy you'd decided to come."
I got in and he hugged me without warning. I was still in my coat with my scarf and woollen cap.
"Sorry, if I startled you," Will said when he'd released me. "I was just so happy to see you."
"You could've waited for me to get these heavy stuff off first," I said as I began to take off the scarf.
"Come let me help you," said Will. He helped me take off my scarf and coat and then helped me hang up the coat. Then he stooped down. I was startled again. I thought he had suddenly collapsed. When I looked down, he was unfastening my shoes. "I've got some extra slippers. You'll feel more comfortable in them."
"Why are you doing this?" I asked.
"Doing what?"
"Being extra nice to me all of a sudden?"
"I'd just thought you'd be more comfortable, that's all. What did you think I was doing?" Will sounded a little hurt when he said that.
"I ... I ... I don't know! It's just that no one has ever untied my shoes before. It all seems so strange!"
Will's tone changed to one of amusement. "You did say that you'd be tired and so I thought ..."
"Okay! Where are the slippers?" I asked cutting him off. I was getting a little uncomfortable with the direction the conversation seemed to be taking.
"Here," he said, putting the slippers in front of my feet.
I slipped them on and liked them immediately. "They ARE comfortable!" I exclaimed.
Will just grinned. "Come, I've enough hot water, why don't you take a shower. I've some clothes that you could put on after the shower. I left them on the bed."
A hot shower sounded like a good idea. So I went into the only bedroom in the flat and saw a pile of sweaters and undershirts, and woollen jumpers. I was quite surprised to find that they all fit me. I took one of each and the towel that was also on the bed into the bathroom with me. The warm water was soothing. After I dried myself, I dressed and picked up the clothes that I was wearing. I walked into the living room with the clothes in my hand.
"Come," Will said, "let me take those. I'll put them into the machine. It'll be dry tomorrow morning. Then we'll just need to iron them." I handed the clothes to him and he disappeared into the back of the kitchen for a while.
When he came back, he had a small glass of something in his hand.
"I thought that you'd like some 'fire liquid' to warm you up." He said as he handed me the glass.
"What is it?"
"It's brandy."
"Uggggh!" I said as I shuddered a little.
"I could change it to something else, if you wanted," Will said hurriedly.
"I'll take the brandy. It's the first time I'm taking it neat, though."
"Oh," Will got up immediately. "Would you like some tonic water with it?"
"If you've got some Coke, it'll be better," I said.
"Coke coming up!" Will said as he disappeared into the kitchen again. He reappeared with the familiar red can and another glass. He gave the can to me and I mixed the brandy with the coke.
"Ummm, this tastes good," I commented after taking a sip of the mixture.
Will looked at me with the same look he had that night in the hospital room and said, "Philip, I hope you're not angry with me. I knew that I threw a lot at you that night in the hospital."
"No, I'm not angry. I just don't understand ..."
"Philip, I don't understand it either. However, I do accept what my heart was telling me. That night as I laid in the first room, not knowing what was happening to me, I first thought of you. I didn't think of any of my other friends. I thought of you. Then I became sad that I might not see you again."
"Perhaps it was because I was the last person you saw before the hospital. It's quite natural to think of the last person you saw."
"No, Philip. That's not the reason. If you ask me why I feel this way, I don't know. All I know is that I've feelings for you. Maybe I'd feelings since the day I met you. I honestly can't be certain. What I'm certain is that you were the only person I wanted to be with. I thought I was going to die. There was no one else I wanted more than you."
"What about your cousin and the two friends from Edinburgh. Aren't they close friends of yours?"
"Yes. That's what I'm trying to say. I've several friends who are very dear to me, but I only wanted you. There wasn't any rationalising. I just thought of you first. Then I thought about the rest of my friends but I had the strongest feelings for you. As I said, I can't explain it."
I didn't know what to say. I just stared at him and at the same time felt very drawn to him. We just stared at each other for quite a while until he broke the spell with a question, "Tell me honestly, Philip, do you have any feelings for me at all?"
I looked away from him. I knew I had feelings but I was afraid. Then something from inside of me gave me the courage to tell him, "Will, I'm afraid. I'm drawn to you and yet I don't know if it the same kind of love that you're talking about. I like you very much. I certainly love you as a friend but there is something else that is drawing me to you. I'm attracted to you but I can't understand why you're attracted to me. That makes me afraid. I know that what I'm going to say next is going to hurt you but I feel that I must say it because I've to be honest. I'm also afraid of HIV. What you're saying is that you want to BE with me; you want to LOVE me. If I get the connotation correct, we'll sleep together. I know that there are precautions that we'd take, but still there is this fear. I'd like to find out if our relationship is one of love but I freeze because I don't think its fair for you if I said let's give it a try but we can't go all the way because I'm afraid you'd infect me."
I watched for his reaction, anticipating a pained look but he just gave a slight smile.
"Philip, what you're feeling is natural. I'd expect nothing less of you. Yes, it does hurt when my HIV status comes into the relationship but don't you see? You're also worried about me. You care how I feel."
"Of course I care how you feel. I'm your friend after all."
"If you were just a friend, you'd let me down easy. The fact that you're willing to give it a try tells me that you treat me more than just a friend. I'd thought a lot about how our relationship is going to move because of my HIV status. I wondered if I was being fair to ask you to love someone who may die at any time. I wondered if I was being selfish to ask you to reciprocate my love. I was. Tonight, you've given me an indication that you'd like to reciprocate my love. I'm going to lay the facts straight if we decide to move on from here. I can die at any moment. If we decide to pursue the idea that we might be lovers, you have to accept this. If not, we cannot pursue this course of action."
"This is a risk that you'd have to take too. I could get killed by a car on the road or die from a stab wound from a robbery. I understand what you're saying."
"Another thing is this 'taking it all the way' thing you were talking about. It's sex, Philip. I wonder why you can't bring up this word?"
"I suppose it's because of my Asian upbringing but I didn't mean just sex, Will; I meant also living together, sharing stuff. You may think I'm being paranoid but I remember the way I reacted when you told me you were positive. I don't want that to happen again if I discover that I was positive and then start blaming it all on you. You've seen how irrational I was."
Will started to smile again, "You've just given me another affirmation of your care for me. Look, I've thought a lot about the sex issue, too. I can see that our relationship will become sexual but we'll have to take precautions. I want to be with you because I love you, not because I lust after you. Maybe we've been so conditioned by the blue videos we watch that we think that gay love is about screwing around. I'm not going to take you to bed, strip you, fuck your arse sore and then say I love you. That's bullshit! That's not love in my book; that's just plain lust. Lust just ends when you're sated and starts again when one needs to get off. If I treated you that way, you're just a fuck-toy, not a person. Gosh, Philip. The last thing I want to do to you is to use you for my pleasure."
Will looked down onto the floor. I tapped him on the shoulder and he looked up. I said to him quietly, "Guess I'm the hypocrite here. I've thought about you in a lustful way before."
Will looked at me and smiled, "I'm quite a stud, aren't I?"
"I wouldn't know, I'm still a virgin."
"I wish I could say the same thing," said Will as he held on to my hand, "I was a slut before. I hope you could love a slut."
I pulled him towards me and gave him a tight hug. I said, "I love you Will Duncan. I do love you but there's still this fear ..."
Will pushed me away so that he could look me in the eye. "Look at me Philip. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I've heard your fears and I acknowledge them. I'm not going to do anything that you fear. If I've to jackoff for the rest of my life, I think I can live with that. I promise not to force you to do anything. Look into my eyes, Philip and see that I'm telling the truth."
I looked into his eyes and saw his love for me.
"These are the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. They're the eyes of the man I love. They're the eyes that revealed to me my loneliness and the eyes that will remove this loneliness," he said.
Uncontrollably, my eyes started to water. Those were beautiful words.
"What's the matter, Philip? Did I say something wrong?"
"No. It's just that I think that I'm falling for you, Will."
At that, he gave me a hug.
That night, we slept together. True to his word, he didn't force me to do anything. It was only a month later that I was ready to make love. He was very cautious. He insisted that we wear rubbers all the time, even for blow jobs. He'd blow me but he'd never allow me to blow him. He'd said it was too risky because the rubber might tear because of our teeth. Kissing was just little pecks on the lips. I thought I was paranoid ...
Most of the time, we'd initiated our love making by kissing each other on the face, our necks and maybe further as we removed our clothes. We'd end up giving each other hand-jobs. Once in a while, he'd lift his legs and encourage me to fuck him. Once, he brought in a vibrator. He stuck it in my arse and it produced the strangest sensations in me. I wasn't too keen with it and he threw it away. He'd always be the one to handle the disposal of the rubbers. He said he didn't want me to risk coming into contact with his semen.
About six months after that night on December 30th, he revealed to me that he felt more fulfilled when he was with me than when he was getting it on with other guys years ago. His greatest enjoyment was not the sex we had, but that he was looking after me. He realised that the best part of love was not the receiving but the giving, and that sex was not high on his list of loving things to do. I nodded in agreement.
We never told anyone that we were a couple. In fact, we don't even display our affection for each other outside. However, we don't deny our relationship to those who're mature enough to handle the information.
to be continued.
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